With no training whatsoever, I took out myself and the other two people exiting the ski lift in one fell swoop.
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who called them poets and not rhyme machines?
I’ll never invest my money in Facebook, mostly because it’s the place where people I went to high school with own pretend farms.
Parents, talk with your children about the importance of saving frequently so they won’t have to restart at the beginning of the level.
Welcome to your forties, you’re now wondering why younger people are so dumb
Was it because I listed you in my contacts as “Vacuum?”
Not a lot of people know this but if you tell someone with chronic pain that they should “just try meditating” then they are legally allowed to poke you in the eye
I’m at a stage in life where I still want to be sexy but
WHY DO YOU KEEP WIPING YOUR BOOGERS ON MOMMY?!!
I’ll save you the trouble of testing my saliva swab. It’s mostly Oreo crumbs.
Mom: So, do you have someone special in your life?
Me: Define “someone”
Mom: You know, a boyfriend.
Me: Define “boyfriend”
overheard my 7yo telling a friend he speaks Italian but what the friend doesn’t know is to my son speaking Italian just means shouting “ITSA ME! MARIO!”
I had a lazy eye as a child and now the rest of my body has caught up.
Once a 7-year-old said he’d come at me “with the fury of 1,000 angry geese” during a game of tag & I never felt more threatened in my life
I just met a spider that jumped right at me when I tried to kill it.
And that spider just met a man that does not need to live in a home.
I like my coffee like I like my women: Much, much hotter than I have any business putting in my mouth. And sprinkled with cinnamon.
Ate my wife’s chocolates & said they were coffee flavored because she doesn’t like those but guess what guys they weren’t coffee flavored.
*working in hospital with med student*
me: ok so this patient is here today with a lot of crystals
med student: oooh u mean like those healing crystals
me: no the crystals are in their urine
med student: oooh so like harming crystals
me: correct
I started a funeral business with self-driving hearses, but they keep crashing into other cars.
Business is booming.
To all the “cougars” out there, shame on you for not calling yourselves “Thundercats” shame. on. you.
BELLE: I love you
BEAST: You broke the curse!
[transforms into hideously ugly man]BELLE: Welp, guess you’re all good. I gotta roll. Peace
Me: [Hanging one-handed from a cliff, seconds away from death]
My kid: Can you hold this?
Saw an ad for a supplement that said it adds years on to your life. This life? Are we talking about the same one?
ME: you said I could have anything I wanted for my last meal
WARDEN [bottom lip trembling]: but my wife made these sandwiches for me
Daughter: Daddy, I want to reach out and touch a star
Me: Yeah, well, that would incinerate the both of us instantly so I don’t think so
Nobody is hungrier than a child who’s just been told it’s time for bed.
ME: Avenge my death
CO-WORKER: That’s just a paper cut
ME: [coughs, grabs his collar] DON’T YOU NORMALIZE THIS
roman lesbians: *caesaring*
“This sausage tastes funny.”
“Funny how? Like it’s made from a clown? Because it’s not. It’s absolutely not clown sausage.”
nobody, nobody, nobody likes the guy who’s suspiciously knowledgeable about age of consent laws
Man: I’d like to buy a fur coat please
Clerk: Sorry sir, this is a pet store
Man: I’d like to buy 200 gerbils please
An adult is a person who makes noise when they stand up.