There’s 3 parents in my kids lives and each of us does our best to raise them as best as we can.
My husband is great with playing games with them.
I’m good at taking them outside to play.
And Stevie the TV babysits them the rest of the day.
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I get why she built the pillow wall in our bed…but the barbed wire seemed a bit extreme.
It takes only one person in this world to make you smile. It’s called a plastic surgeon.
Replaced my shoelaces with ear buds and now they tie themselves.
I have 15,000 pencils, but I don’t remember buying any. Also, I don’t have a pencil sharpener, so none of them work.
A good wedding prank is to say “I do” but just before the priest pronounces you man and wife, add “…karate.”
cats are difficult cuz you want to cuddle with them and they’re like this uneven piece of plastic on top of the hard counter is more comfortable.
A burrito so good, a Mariachi band is playing outside the bathroom stall at work the next day.
Starting a diet is a lot like starting a lawn mower, you struggle and sweat and end up on the couch eating ice cream with your shirt off.
Her: undress me with your words
Me: ummm… There’s a spider in your panties?
I try not to snack at night, but the cheese in my fridge haunts me. What if I die in my sleep and NO ONE EATS IT?
The news is so predictable nowadays
Her : I wanna be held
Me : Accountable or Hostage?
*BF walks in on me surrounded by dozens of empty Reddi Whip cans*
ARE YOU HUFFING AEROSOL?
Me- *Mouth full of whip cream* –
Yeff
Me: Yes honey.. I know.. a stroller for the baby. I got it.
*hangs up*
Salesman: As I was saying, the largest hamster ball we sell is a-
I’m no fan of Smokey the Bear. He’s just the first step on the slippery slope to vigilantism.
Man, I was just reminded that the world is supposed to end this year and I haven’t even started packing yet.
[Mom]: My son’s voice is changing
[Dr.]: Thats normal at his age
[Mom]: This is normal?
*fax machine noises are coming from the kid’s mouth*
Beerventory: Verb. The act of checking how many beers ya got BEFORE you start drinking to avoid running out when you can’t drive for more.
Whisper out to librarians!
Vampire: I asked for stew and this is broth.
Waitress *lets out bloodcurdling scream*
Vampire: Thank you.
You are what you eat.
*eats Ryan Gosling*
*crosses fingers*
This is so me 😂😂
Toddlers & Ghosts
-haunt you at all hours
-lots of moaning/screaming
-unclear motives
-not helpful with housework
-randomly open cupboards
*brings guitar on date to set the mood
Me: Hey do you know how to play this thing?
asked my 5-year-old what she wanted for dinner and she said “not a burned quesadilla” bc in the summer of 2019 I overcooked one side of her quesadilla
“What’s your favourite Pixar film?”
“Up, yours?”
“No need to be like that I was only asking”
me: three breakfast sandwiches, two everything bagels, four chocolate donuts, and coffee
drive-thru person: how many coffees?
me: one please
I laughed at this way too hard.
You ever bark back at your dog and then wonder what you just said?
Me: Watcha got there?
8: Lemonade.
Me: What kind?
8: Mike’s
Me: Nooooooo