Hey buddy, if you didn’t want me napping in your pet store you shouldn’t have sleeping rooms filled with puppies.
You Might Also Like
I’d say go to hell, but I don’t want to see you again.
Was late to my first Fight Club last night so missed the intro rules. Still, Fight Club was brilliant and I’d highly recommend Fight Club.
Pharaohs were buried with their hands crossed over their chest because of the belief there would be countless water slides in the after life.
It’s that time of year when the neighbors start longing for winter days because they’re tired of seeing me at the mailbox in my drawers.
Everybody is fighting a battle that you don’t know about…because of the first rule of Fight Club.
Sam was having a great time at the party until someone next to him sneezed.
Her: Something’s changed in here.
Me: I put a new bulb in.
Her: Well it’s not very bright
Bulb: Okay wow I’m like right here.
interviewer: your resume says you like being read to
me: and then what happened
[Sitting in your closet]
I’m completely over you.
I’ve never literally been tortured but I have walked behind old people when I was in a hurry.
A no carb diet can make you detached, remote and standoffish so occasionally you should eat aloof of bread.
[Jesus on a blind date]
Christians: “Hmm, you seemed whiter in your profile picture”
When I said “anything for you”, I meant I’ll make you a nice cup of tea, not that I’ll help you to fake your own death as part of a massive life insurance fraud.
Leaving restaurant: “That was lovely”
Outside: “Well, it was okay”
In car: “I mean, it wasn’t great”
Back home: “We won’t go there again”
Early this morning a bird was chirping loudly at the same time that my husband was snoring and it was really sort of beautiful how they were pissing me off in harmony.
This Amber Alert has gone off 4 times today.
I bet the people with hidden prison phones are shitting themselves right about now. 😬
Guilty! 🤪
At first I was decayed, I was putrefied,
Kept thinking I could never live without formaldehyde…
Me checking my bank balance online.
I hate when I miss the garbage truck and just have to throw trash in the neighbors hot tub again
Who has two thumbs and refused to read the instruction manual for his electric carving knife? Not my Uncle Joel, that’s for sure.
you don’t scare me. you’re not a can of biscuits i’m about to open.
8: Mama, did you read this story when you were a kid?
Me: *smiling* Why yes, I did.
8: It’s a really old story then, I guess.
In my experience, the best way to get herd immunity is to go up and punch the biggest cow in the field right in the face. Those other cows won’t touch you bro. I haven’t gotten shit off a cow in three years now.
I accidentally hit my sister over the head with a frying pan when we were kids. To this day, she doesn’t believe it was an accident. Also to this day, I think it was hilarious.
I’ve had a lot of frank conversations with my daughters about the perils of growing up, drugs and boys and strangers and whatnot, but the one lesson I hope that sticks above all others is how they must be very, very careful about what they do to their eyebrows.
I just slipped in the shower and my life flashed before my eyes but it was just a series of other times I almost fell.
I can’t believe I used to talk to people.
Dear Tech Support,
I twied to puth my tongue in tha USthB port again. Canth you helpf?
If you ever think you can solve a parenting problem by doing the opposite of what didn’t work last time the universe will just be like lol nice try dummy