[koolaid man typing into webmd]
My pee is red.
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eating cereal in the shower isn’t saving me as much time as i thought.
I like to go to zen gardens and shout at things.
these minion tweets are getting pretty gru some
Trump getting elected after Obama was not what they meant by Orange is the New Black
“No. Delete it.” -Mona Lisa
A car window made specifically for a dog to stick its head out of is called a sunwoof.
[Doing a crossword quiz]
Wife: what is an exclamation of impatience. 6 letters.
Me: “faaark”?
First day as a vampire hunter: This is easy lol
First night as a vampire hunter: oh no
I only eat chips because I feel that people would judge me if I ate the dip with a spoon
Me: *stopping* Siri, reroute to kitchen, there’s a traffic jam.
Siri: Step over the dog.
[watching video of an amazing feat]
Age 20: i could do that
Age 30: he’s amazing
Age 40: doesn’t that guy work
Me: Dammit I’m not gonna let you die on my watch
Her: *chokes* It’s too late
Me: *leans in close* Get off my watch. It’s a Rolex.
Now that people ignore word meanings and say they haven’t done/seen/whatever something “in a minute” when they actually mean anything from a week to thirty years, I’m going to take that concept in the other direction and describe small time periods as “several millenia.”
If I ask for directions and you answer me with cardinal ones, you should know that I will get lost… I need concrete references, like “across from the red house with a crocked tree, 2 blocks from a dead squirrel, turn right when you see the old lady that drinks Shiners at 7am”.
Quoting famous dead people on the internet is stupid.
~Confucius
Toddler: *5 minutes of incoherent babbling*
Me: Oh yeah?
My coworker Tim fell down the stairs and nobody laughed when I yelled “TIMBERRRRRR”
Amazing that the townspeople didn’t like Belle what with her waking up every day and calling them a bunch of simple idiots
Her: pull my hair!
Edward Scissorhands: oops
Her: why oops?
Why is it okay to eat grapes in a grocery store but as soon as I pop a bottle of champagne, I get kicked out??
Ted Danson but only if Ted Drinken
Shoe store employee on phone w/ wife: “Yea honey I should be home just in time for dinner”
*centipede walks in*
“You’ve got to be kiddin me”
guy who came to check out what’s making noises in my attic told me it’s “one of the creepiest attics [he’s] ever seen.” not something you want to hear from a person whose job involves seeing a lot of attics
why don’t snakes just roll downhill sideways?
Is it just me, or are fewer and fewer mustachioed cads tying women to the train tracks these days?
BREAKING: Dressed as Cat, Jared Leto Pushes Fellow Attendees Off Table at Met Gala
[at the grocery store] yes i would like one grocery please
Pro tip: when a cop asks you to step out of the car, don’t reply with “I’m too drunk, you get in.”
*Mary Poppins voice*
Ok, children! Time to go!
[15 min later]
*Batman voice*
I said let’s go.
ME: [on the phone] Plz come home from work
WIFE: Why
ME: Theres a spider in the bathroom
WIFE: so kill it
ME:[whispering] its got my gun