The Job Interview:
HR: So you are bilingual?
Me: Si
HR: In your native tongue please.
Me: Ooga Booga
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I may be getting old but not “doesn’t know what day of the week it is” old. I can tell by which day I open on my daily pill organizer.
our love story in four pictures
That awkward moment when the person who just made the elevator notices you were holding the ‘close’ button
Friend: I said be selfish.
Me dressed as a clam: Oh
God: you’re a giraffe.
Giraffe: yay!
God: you have a very long neck.
Giraffe: so I always know when it’s raining first?
God: uh-sure.
Giraffe: omg I’m a walking weather app!
God: no-
Giraffe: there’s a 10% chance of rain w/55% humidity.
God:
Giraffe: feels like 72 : )
My favorite pizza place burned down last night so I guess this is the beginning of my weight loss journey.
It’s been a rough few years, but it looks like things are finally getting worse
“Ham with pineapple is delicious, so why not on pizza?” The executioner throws the torch on the pyre, without strangling me first.
Maybe the raccoons threw away something very important. Did you ever think about that you big jerk.
that’s NOT YOUR CALL TO MAKE
Today (Sept. 17) is international Batman day!
#BatmanDay #webcomic #Weird
Apparently my friends have been spreading rumors that I have a gambling problem. I’m not sure who leaked this, but my money’s on Josh.
What if all countries have ninjas, and we only know about the Asian ones because they suck?
Me: Are you mad at me?
Wife: Eventually.
In store checkout behind beautiful woman in sleek black dress. She’s buying tequila and a quart of motor oil.
Sure like to know that story
my cat: *hacking up a hairball*
my german neighbor: holy shit that cat is talking
guy: you wanna take this outside?
me: yeah, let’s do this
[we take the raspberry lemonade out back and have a simply lovely afternoon]
Aaaa…CHOO!
Tried a sample of rosemary mint body wash today and now I smell like a very clean roast chicken.
I dunno man, I think if Ariel saw this version of the human world she’d have jumped back into the ocean with or without her mermaid tail.
Well, well, well…
If it isn’t the lesson I should’ve learned by now.
Everyone at this whistling convention looks extremely suspicious.
Wife thinks I was present for every conversation she’s had with anyone, ever, and assumes I know what the hell she’s talking about right now
Stars! They’re just like us! Gaseous and dying
Nobody:
Me: people died on the Titanic but the lobsters were set free.
Your script should feel like a movie. That’s why, before I write FADE IN:, I include six pages of production company logos.
I’ll play duck-duck-goose and give all gooses. I don’t give a duck.
“Did you ask if it was haunted?”, my husband asks as he heads out the door to pick up a set of drawers I found on FB marketplace.
Sorry, I don’t think I can hang out this weekend, my 4-year-old is still telling a joke