Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: “Does this taste funny to you?”
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Toddler: [Crying] Daddy, my chocolate ran away.
Me: Oh no, where did it go?
Toddler: [Points in his mouth]
*finally gets comfortable with you*
*starts whispering in your ear*
“oooo baby I can recite all my phobias in alpha order”
FACEBOOK: join your friends at these events that might interest you nearby
ME: not today satan
When your mom beats you for coming home late then you see your brother coming😂😂😂😂😂😂
My cat tried to knock over my TV this morning. WHY ARE MY BEST FRIENDS FIGHTING?!
Tim Cook just came out. Waiting for the Android version.
Always treat your woman like a princess, let a giant turtle kidnap her.
I was fightin’ this daylight savings shit but this morning I planted twelve acres of soybeans and fed the cows. Didn’t even know I had cows but there they were.
If I got kidnapped I’d continuously sing Pitbull songs until they kill me, I’d die but at least they’d suffer too.
School winter break
Dec 22, 2021 –
Guantanamo Bae
In high school I was voted “I’m not really sure who that guy is”.
me: how was your camping trip
5 y/o: good
me: what’d you guys do
5 y/o: camped
Pregnancy test commercials would be a lot more relatable if the women in them cursed and cried.
“Why won’t you loan a neighbor a cup of sugar?”
[ sigh ] “You’re a pile of ants wearing a bathrobe.”
[ bathrobe sags dejectedly ]
Me: give me all the brisket you have
Food truck attendant: jesus I’m driving 80, how are you still holding on
cop: *knocks on my car window*
me: sorry is the music too loud
cop: yes
me: *sets down bagpipes*
I’m filled with joy when I see the “baby on board” sign attached to the car in front of mine, but sadness washes over me when I realise the car is a hearse. Only when I notice that it’s being driven by a baby do I begin to have mixed feelings
Out of the blue, HR forced us all to review our workplace sexual harassment training.
The office holiday party is next week.
Coincidence?
[unleashes dog at dog park]
me: don’t embarrass me now
dog: i won’t*sees pretty girl*
me: hi, i’m–
dog: he drinks wine through a straw
My husband and I had an argument yesterday, we went to bed angry.
I woke up to a bacon egg & cheese. I thought wow… he’s really making an effort. I ate it.
Turns out it wasn’t for me 🤣
First Guy To Compare Apples to Oranges: Apples and oranges are pretty similar.
Other Guy: You’re an idiot. That’s like comparing…well…I don’t even know what, but that’s just stupid. This is why nobody likes you, Carl.
I always pencil in 45 minutes in my calendar when asking my daughter a question.
People ask if I’m worried about growing a third arm after getting the vaccine and honestly I could use more hands.
Let’s get married and have kids, so we can have mini versions of ourselves do that annoying thing that our spouse does but louder.
Dumbo is a flying mammal and therefore a bat.
Interviewer: what is your greatest weakness?
Me: I think people find me intimidating
Interviewer (nervously): maybe it has something to do with the-
Me: OMG, it has nothing to do with the giant hawk perched on my shoulder
When I die I want to come back as a speed bump so I can piss people off
My husband was so excited to finally have a kid that shared his love for baseball until the bottom of the 8th when she loudly asked “is this baseball or football?”