My husband has been hiccuping for almost an hour now. I’d scare him, but we ate chili earlier.
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I saw an audiologist today, but I think I’ll get a second opinion. Why on earth would I need a heron egg?
god: you’re a pig
pig: huh
god: you’re filthy
pig: yeesh
god: you eat slop from a trough
pig: c’mon
god: you stink
pig: ok ok, guy, i get it.. but this should save me from being food myself tho, no?
god: here’s the thing
I thought I was experiencing early menopause but it turned out one of my kids set the thermostat to 87°.
Can’t get a girl? Rip out your rib and make your own! Critics are raving “this doesn’t work” and “I’m bleeding to death”.
[Date]
Me: tell me about yourself
Her: I’m really vegan
Me: oh no
Her: and I have a kid
Me: oh no
Her: his name is Kale
Me: ohhh noo
If you want to add more flavor to your toddler’s food just put it on your plate and it becomes instantly irresistible to them follow for more parenting tips
[answers phone]
Me: yeah?!
Boss: are you okay?
Me: just taking a quick lunch break
Boss: you haven’t showed up in 2 days!
I went fishing today/ am having chicken for dinner tonight
What’s the best way to dispose of a dead body? Was asking for a friend, but he was being a whiny shit about it, so now I’m asking for me.
I mix up the Marvel and DC universes on purpose just for the angry sex
Me: *takes off headphones and puts air guitar down* what?
Flight attendant: I need you to sit
[sharing a cold one with the fellas] It’s my turn to hold the penguin
[in the bedroom]
Her: *seductively reaches towards my hair*
Me: Babe…don’t touch the bandana
Why are the moths in this damn desert bigger than birds
1998:
– Don’t get in strangers’ cars
– Don’t meet ppl from internet2016:
– Literally summon strangers from internet to get in their car
inmate: hey man why so sad
me: my mom brought me a cake but the warden made me share it with everyone
inmate: didn’t you get a piece though?
me: not the one with the file in it
Me: Where’s your water bottle?
3yo: I don’t know.
Me: Can you please go look for it?
3yo: *without moving or breaking eye contact* I can’t find it.
I was stopped at a red light when I noticed the car next to me trying to play charades. I didn’t want to play, but I could tell they REALLY wanted me to get it! We all played our best game of charades. Got it before the green light. Turns out my lights weren’t on.
*eats a bag of chips*
*eats 2 baked potatoes*
*eats a plate of fries*
*eats a plate of mashed potatoes*Being a vegetarian is easy!
It was the worst of times, it was the worst of times.
-2020
Any TV can be a TV dinner if you eat TVs
Fact: In the 80s nobody could have sex until someone started playing a saxophone.
7yo: You can’t say that, you’ll go to hell and turn into a devil!
4yo: And I will still be cooler than you!
Just stood on my porch and screamed “STOP IT!” at the top of my lungs and two doors over someone yelled back “K”.
My body: I need to perspire.
Antiperspirant: The hell you do.
That moment at the flea market, when you realize you’re looking at a vampire killing kit.
The problem with rich people is you’re not one of them.
These golfers behind me keep yelling, “Take your shot!” but they haven’t poured me any tequila.
Candles never taste the way they smell
I put energy drinks in the hummingbird feeder. It’s for science.