[at interview]
“ok 1st question you’re on a submarine you find a dog, what do you call him”
umm
“…”
subwoofer?
“welcome to the navy seals”
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Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkwardWhat a sturdy clavicle you have.
[3 guys corner me in an alley]
3G: Bet you’re scared
Me: *shows them my wife’s credit card bills*
3G: *hand over their wallets* holy shit
marriage counselor: pretend you both just started talking.
me: goo goo gah gah
marriage counselor: no.
Guys…. Women aren’t hard….. And if they are… They aren’t Women.
Wife: I’m going to the store. Need anything?
Me: Get some uhhh [can’t remember the name Aquafresh] Neapolitan toothpaste
I think it’d be neat if mermaids had a clam flip phone
If your family goes to church on Christmas morning, be grateful. This may be your only chance to lock them out of the house.
Shopkeeper:This is made of pure virgin wool sir.
Me:You see I m not interested in the morals of the sheep.Just tell me,will it keep me warm?
To be fair, “old-fashioned” doesn’t necessarily mean racist; it could also mean sexist.
Dr: How can I help you?
Me: Can you make me look like this?
Dr: Ma’am, that’s a picture of Hello Kitty.
I hear my ex is now into cross dressing & looking for same. At least that’s what the Craigslist ad I just posted on his behalf says.
[At supermarket]
“Excuse me do you work here?”
WHAT? ME? Work HERE? Hell no. I went to college. I don’t have a job
Guys, if your lady tells you she needs windshield wiper blades, SHE DOES NOT MEAN FOR CHRISTMAS!
“I’m sure this happens every time a famous person dies but I wanted to see if the library had any of his CDs.”
“You mean like… music CDs?”
“Yeah. By Shane MacGowan? The Pogues?”
“Oh thank goodness, I thought you were talking about Henry Kissinger.”
News Anchor: And now, to report live about this incredibly dangerous storm, we’ll send you out to one of our expendable reporters.
Chicken pot pie sounds like such a good idea. If you add commas.
The Sims fulfills the millennial fantasy of being able to afford a house in a walkable neighborhood on the salary of a professional carrot peeler.
I call my ex “Appendix” because he didn’t seem to have a specific purpose and removing it didn’t change a thing in my life.
Another family? In this one I want to be the cross-dressing uncle, @funTweeters.
My 6yo thinks the Starbucks mermaid has two fish tails for her arms and now I can’t unsee it
HR says I’m not allowed to test the bungy rope I made out of rubber bands on the intern
Why is it called scissoring instead of clash of clams?
[Dog yoga class]
Teacher: Alright, let’s go into downward human pose
[Dogs hunch over and start pretending to text]
I’m at my most athletic when I’m running up stadium stairs to buy another beer.
Me: I need to get something off my chest
My conjoined twin: I HAVE A NAME
Niece: A have a lot of friends named Nathan, there’s Nathan…(endless droning about nicknames)
Me: When they are together, do you call them The United Nathans?
(Not sure what happened after that because I was laughing hysterically at what may be the best dad joke ever made.)
“Why is this food more expensive than it was this morning”
“Sir this is a Wendy’s”
“Oh, that shirt had buttons.”–me, at bath time right after I pull my kid’s head off
[cuts open a gender reveal cake and several black cats pop out]
Oh hell yes we’re having a witch!
Friend: Oh my God, I just can’t explain how he makes me feel. He just has this way with me. It’s just so…magical.
Me: You’re literally paying him for that and technically hypnosis is not magic.