I haven’t talked to my sons for a few days so I changed the Hulu, Netflix and Amazon passwords. I heard from all 3 of them within 20 minutes.
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My years of napping and making out with strangers have prepared me for a solid career as a CPR dummy
Throwing a spear at your enemy is a bad gamble. If you miss you have no spear now and he’s just fine. He’s better than fine; now he has a spear.
Being a hermit crab is hard because every time you’re naked you’re also homeless and that’s literally the worst time to be naked
Untied the bun in my hair & tried that sexy hair shake thing that chicks do on tv.
Doc says the neck brace can come off in a week.
My 10 yr old got an F for his Accelerated Reader grade.
Me, “How did you make an F?!”
10, “Why do you say that so angrily? Maybe F means Fantastic. Maybe First place? Maybe Phenomenal.”So close, kid. So. Close.
Tip for great hair: Don’t wash it for 17 days. Finally shower. Wait for the compliments to roll in.
What do you call a chicken-proofed garden?
Impeccable.
Me: I could barely fit our trash into that blue bin
Wife: that’s our neighbor’s new Smart Car
When my wife does our daughter’s hair: “How about a double French braid swirled into a fancy bun?”
When I do her hair: “How about a hat?”
Her: Do you ever listen to a word I say?!
Me: Sounds like a plan.
If whisky can damage your short term memory, just think what whisky can do.
Had to stop at Walmart for golf balls. Of course they’re all the way in the back. And it occurred to me as I was going to get them that I was walking further than I can hit the damn things.
person: wanna be friends and get to know each other at a normal pace?
me: wanna write a movie together toDAY???
Husband: Just think how much money we’re saving by staying at home.
Me: *shopping online*
Mmm hmmm, sure seems that way.
When I have more than $20 in my account at the end of the month I have to wonder what bill I forgot to pay.
I’m done with dating sites and am now only focusing on Chinese food delivery people. They have a job, a car, and most importantly eggrolls.
My 3-year-old got a cut on her finger.
She’s holding it up to show people her band-aid.
Yes, that’s my kid flipping off everyone in the grocery store.
I’m watching a guy on tv who makes a living simply by having opinions about hockey wondering which one of us is the bigger pile of shit.
My dog eats too much food and throws it up. EVERYDAY. I swear to God if she keeps this up, she’s going to look amazing.
I come from a long line of successful people.
I decided to stop that tradition.
Any question can be a rhetorical question if you walk away fast enough.
Victims of ninjas, who hurt you?
i always wear this epi pen its rly special. my friend gave it to me literally as he was dying it seemed very important to him that i have it
Now that Halloween is over I would like to re-home my poltergeist.
Pros:
Ethically sourced
Fairly quiet
Keeps to itselfCons:
Leaves all cabinet doors open
Eats all the food
May not be a poltergeist and might just be a teenager.
[campfire]
ME: They say these trees are over 200 years old. Man, if trees could talk…
TREE: Please stop burning my flesh to cook hot dogs.
You should never forget where you came from. That’s probably where your keys are.
I’ve written a musical called Fish.
It’s very similar to Cats… although Memory’s a lot shorter.
My favorite winter activity is clinging to the wall while ice skating
“Alexa, make a clapping noise so the lights turn on”
me: iced latte please
barista: what type of milk?
me: spaghetti