[when my crystal pendant starts glowing eerily] hold on, i’d better take this
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Harmonicas are basically for people who like to hear music while they spit.
Be nice to me or I will rain down Hell upon you when I start my blog.
me: I would sell my soles for some chocolate right now
devil: done! wait, what the h-
me: no takebacksies
devil: *holding a pair of sensible flats* damnit
I’ve never been as disappointed as my dog just was when she realized the food I dropped was a carrot.
“One of you will betray me” is such a dramatic thing to say at dinner????
At the dmv waiting outside for my daughter to fill out paperwork. I’m remembering when I was 16 and my dad backed the car into the spot so I could just pull forward with the test guy. It worked! And 35 years later, I still can’t back out very well.
I’ve already lost 72 ponytail holders this weekend
[At the stress test, staring at a treadmill]
Dr.: Just run at a speed where you can still talk normally.
*sits down on a chair*
Me: Okay.
Types of shit:
1) Awe
2) Jack
3) Knee deep in
5) Holy
6) Dip
7) Full of
8) Bull
9) Piece of
10) Happens
11) I don’t give a
[Gameshow]
Host: “You are one question away from our grand prize. How do you feel?”
Me: “With my hands.”
Host: “Correct!”
*crowd goes nuts*
Ugh, my boyfriend got me flowers even tho I explicitly asked for cash
her: your frog jokes are terrible
me: so i’ve been toad, jen
“Over my dead body” doesn’t mean “no.” It means I get to do what I want and as a bonus I get to kill you.
It’s been a few days now but I’m still thinking about this
[comedy club]
GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?
TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it
Can a paleontologist explain to me why dimetrodons were so infatuated w/ yelling at the ocean?
banks email like “Ummmmm we have a MESSAGE for you. In your INBOX” and then the message is like “Hello we are your bank”
[date]
HER: my last boyfriend was such a misogynist
ME: (trying to impress her) I hate massages
My kids can’t find any clean clothes because they packed them all for a trip. We leave in 5 weeks
Ah, tax refund season again. I wonder which appliance will break this year?
I can’t afford Ugg boots, so I just never shave below the knee to create the illusion that I’m wearing them.
Trying this hot water diet where you drink a cup of hot water in the morning but so far all I’ve done is burn my tongue and eat 7 donuts.
While I appreciate that you’re bringing sexy back, if we’re not also discussing who took sexy away, we’re only enabling future sexy problems
You had my full attention until you said “without further adieu.”
Hot single narcissists in your area want to be rude to you and then pretend nothing happened.
Kids: *misbehaving in public*
Me: Keep it up and I’ll get my breakdancing cardboard out of the trunk.
My new puppy is training and gets treats for doing well. My older dog gets treats as well, for, you know…supervising.
9 out of 7 people can’t do fractions
Writing “fake bills” on all my credit card statements and sending them back.
“Shhhhh it’s sleeping”
I whisper while closing the door on my laundry pile