That soy sauce packet is just living rent free in your drawers
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COP: *looking at my license* new jersey?
ME: lol no it’s a cardigan
[a trampoline that allows me to get from the couch to the fridge in one bounce]
[Commercial for hobbies]
Like drugs for people who don’t do drugs.
“HOBBIES”
Detective: Where were you at 8:30 p.m. on. . .
Me: Twitter
Doctor: I have good news!
Me: oh thank God
Doctor: Do you want to die?
Me: No!
Doctor: Right I thought you were gonna say yes ok I have bad news 🙁
Couple down the street from us celebrated 53 years of marriage the other day.
I asked the wife “how did you do it?”
She said “my knees tired”.
They go to church every Sunday so I THINK she meant pray.
But Jesus Christ i just ain’t all the way sure.
“Installing this app on a smartphone or tablet will mean everyone in the house can easily adjust the thermostat.”
Dads in unison: “Nooooo!”
jfc that’s a stupid idea and someone could get hurt so when can we do it?
In-laws are coming over for lunch, which leaves me just enough time to buy a better house, master a new career and develop a less antagonistic personality. Wish me luck!
Any time a sentence starts with “This is America!” brace your ears for some next level ignorant shit.
Therapist: When you look in the mirror, what do you see?Me: I see myself you friggin idiot. Let me see your degree
“Milk does a body good” I whisper as I down a whole gallon of heavy whipping cream.
My neighbor, watching me take out all the recycling, exclaimed “Yikes! at least you won’t need to order anything next week!” I laughed and laughed and then signed into Amazon
Someone told me their kid was 20 months old so I told them my dog is 14 months old, they weren’t impressed
excuse me
Me (a masseur): *applying oil*
Client: Aren’t you supposed to put that on me?
Have the confidence of an older white man welcoming you to a dinosaur park
[ In bed, trying to find a cold spot ]
Ahhhh, there it is…
Wife: Get off of me!!
I have no milkshakes. No one comes to my yard. The grass looks fantastic.
“So tell me more about yourse-PUT DOWN MY FRIES IF YOU WANT TO WALK OUT OF HERE WITH ALL 4 LIMBS INTACT.” – What not to say on a first date.
Being vaccinated does NOT mean it’s ok to pose as a substitute music teacher at an elite private elementary school, expose the students to hard rock legends, secretly form a band, compete in a local Battle of the Bands and lose to No Vacancy!!!
Who said “do something each day that scares you?” I need them to explain to my wife how I got a shark pregnant
We’re having company over today, so naturally my husband is helping me prepare by looking for the soil testing kit that he bought over a year ago.
My favorite part of Thanksgiving is the pumpkin pie, I bought one of those ginormous ones from Costco and offered everyone else peach pie.
The question had been asked millions of times over thousands of years and I don’t know if science will ever answer the question:
How can a child this small take up so much room in a king sized bed
[having sex]
HER: tell me your fantasies
ME: I wish I was a dragon
HER: no, I mean-
ME: but instead of fire I breathe jelly beans
Thinking about how the Dutch police arrested a bird for taking part in a robbery, put it in a jail cell with bread and water & when the media reported on it they put a little black bar over the face to protect its identity
My 4 yr old niece is on the hyper side so my brother-in-law was trying to teach her about behaving and said “little girls are made of sugar and spice and what else?” and in her best batman voice she replied, “BLOOD AND BONES.”