According to a recent survey, 100% of HR agree that I’m not allowed to take money out of the swear jar to throw at my co-workers.
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I talk a lot of shit for a guy who spent way too long trying to peel a few slices of ham from what turned out to be an unsliced ham “steak.”
I’d expect Captain America to be fatter.
People are writing condolences on my Grandma’s Facebook that sound more like Yelp reviews of her. Great woman, very loving, 5/5 stars
If i’m in the mood for some jazz i just throw an orchestra down the stairs
Today is the first New Moon after Jan 21sr. Happy New Year to Chinese people and all who choose to be Chinese for a day.
You see when you ask for nudes specificity is key. I have a whole camera roll of sphinx cats and I’m not afraid to use it.
She asked if I noticed anything different about her & I said no. Then I noticed she was angrier than usual.
after u do your laundry u should be allowed to get in the dryer and tumble for a little. no charge.
“You know what? I had a speech ready but I’m going to speak from the heart”
*smashes teleprompter with a baseball bat*
I hope you prayed for me in church today.
There’s nothing I have going on, I just like the attention.
Thx
The “Allosaurus you can eat” buffet was very popular with Jurassic Park visitors. After the fences failed it was also popular with the Allosaurus.
If people on Twitter found a horses’ head in their bed at least 3/4 of them would get a selfie with it before calling the cops…..
ME (a ghost): You know how Bill Nye used to say “don’t try this at home”? Well, I did, and he kicked in the door and shot me in the face.
Swords just aren’t naturally “wooooshy” enough for me, that’s why I add the noise. That’s why I add the noise, Janet.
I don’t use commas in my tweets I am a rebel without a pause
victim: *running away, singing friends theme song*
murderous villain [drops knife while clapping]: damn it, not again
[crime show]
DETECTIVE: It looks like the guy that inserts dramatic music into our show has been..*Flintstones theme song plays*
Murdered
I don’t have a spirit animal. I have a judgemental chicken that’s followed me around my whole life shaking its head disapprovingly.
agent, on phone: my clients have decided to accept your third offer
me: it’s off the table
agent: {muffled} ..what about the second
me: also off the table
agent: {muffled} ..ok fine, they’ll take first then
me: hold on, let me get my cat out of here
I’ve just had to let my trousers out.
They wanted to go for a walk and I couldn’t be bothered.
🎶 I’m a cat, boy / in a sealed box I hide / I’m Wanted / dead and alive!
– Bon Schröedi
Quick shout-out to @funTweeters. The “aggregators” and “parodies” could learn a thing or two from this account. It’s aggregation done right.
do you like vampires?
🟩 Nosferatu
✅ Yesferatu
Justice is a dish best served cold.
If it was served warm, it would be justwater.
Saw a guy this morning covered from head to toe in camouflage and sporting a fluorescent safety jacket…
You can’t have it both ways mate
wife’s still mad that I responded to the priest after he said our wedding vows with “agree to disagree”
The woman selling sea shells by the sea shore must have had a strong personal brand to overcome such a poor business model.
Whenever I get a “Final Notice” letter from a bill collector, I assume this concludes our business transaction.
I burn microwave popcorn in the break room at work to get back at those who always warm up fish leftovers
Christopher Columbus was lucky to have found America first. His nemesis Garmin Von Goögle Maps showed up minutes later after taking Route 2.