interviewer: questions about the job?
me: how can I get suspended with pay
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Me: Whatcha got there? Oh, I see the garbage pail kids are making a comeback for Christmas this year.
Neighbor: This is my nephew.
I keep a spray bottle in my purse just in case a flash mob breaks out near me
Sure sex is great and all but have you ever watched someone trip over a curb while getting out of a Bentley?
GOD: That’s the last of the animals. Now add warning colors to the poison ones
ANGEL: Will do
GOD: But not all of them, keep some surprises
My doctor said I need to eat more greens, so I got myself a pint of mint ice cream.
Hey waiters-I don’t ever ‘save room for dessert’, I just stuff it in there and pray to God I don’t have an accident.
What if ISIS started claiming responsibility for nice things like when my mom says, “who emptied the dishwasher?!”
My dog knows me so well that if I return home within five minutes of leaving he knows I’ve forgotten something and will not be staying, so he doesn’t even bother getting up to greet me
If you replace phrase “Americans think” with “Americans with landlines who answer unsolicited calls think” it all makes so much more sense.
pls stop saying grace,,,you are diverting God from solving crimes
boss: have u finished that project
me: hey rome wasn’t built in a day
boss: it’s been a month
me: rome wasn’t built in a month
boss:
me: [googling “how long did it take to build rome”]
Thankful public education taught us Algebra instead of how to do taxes. Because 2 things are certain:
1) Death
2) The Pythagorean Theorem
ME: (right before I go under anesthesia)
SURGEON: How much you want to bet this guy is full of candy?
Thanks for telling me your astrological sign, cause now I know a lot about your personality. Like you are a gullible dummy.
I just paid $37 for some homemade vanilla tapioca pudding on the Dark Web.
Me: you don’t want to finish your dinner?
4yo: (hands me plate) I’m full
Me: are you sure…
4yo: I’M FULL! I’M FULL!
Me: (taking plate from 4yo) ok then…
4yo: Can I have a snack?
Me: 🧐
Attention: All employees will be required to bring their own toilet paper until further notice.
-Management
My gf thinks I cook our meals cause I love her. Really, it’s cause I’m afraid she might try to poison me.
Tony Hawk Pro Skater implies the existence of an evil, parallel dimension Tony Hawk Anti Skater.
me: what are you going to be when you grow up?
5: beautiful.
I was under the false impression that my kids would stop elbowing me in the bladder after they were born
I hate straight weddings because we all have to form a circle and pretend a 4 year old is a better dancer than me.
psa: clockwise doesn’t change just because you’re left-handed
6 woke us up this morning slightly concerned.
6: a squirrel is making some really strange screaming noises on the deck.
Me: *not knowing how much 6 knows* maybe he’s looking for a lady squirrel.
6: like a mating call? I don’t think anyone would find that very attractive.
I’d be a terrible surgeon because my hands shake, and also because I didn’t go to medical school of any kind.
Keep reaching for the stars but get a better deodorant.
I’m walking more to lose weight in order to help my knees feel better. Walking more is making my knees sore.
The moral of the story?
Don’t have knees.
Why does James Bond keep telling people his real name? Worst. Spy. Ever.
If Reese’s eggs are buy one get one free, there are 0 calories associated with the free one. Live free my friends.
Boss: Are you high?
Me: If I was high could I do this?
B: What? You aren’t doing anything
M: sorry I’m super high. What was the question?