[1st date]
Him: This is fun
Me: It is
Him: The last girl I went on a date with was the craziest person I’ve ever met
Me: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED
You Might Also Like
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
Sometimes having a dog is like watching a toddler –
Hi girl! Why are you sticky? Actually never mind, I don’t wanna know *grabs shampoo*
Can’t believe this needs to be said but giving two shots of vitamin B6 doesn’t mean you gave a shot of B12.
The secret to enjoying good wine: Open to let it breathe. If it appears not to be breathing, apply mouth to mouth.
Like watching a full length movie – but in just 27-seconds…
[Quiz show]
Host: “Stephen that is the… CORRECT ANSWER!!”
Me: “Oh my. I can’t believe it!”
Host: “Congratulations! You have won Who Wants to Win a Million Bears!”
Me: “This is amaz- what did you just say?”
Hey look! They named a candy after you!
*points to Dum Dums*
flight attendant: is there a doctor on board
me: i have a doctorate in physics
flight attendant: this man is dying
me: it’s ok the plane will weigh the same
Karate classes…
Because breaking boards on your head is all cool and shit if a House ever starts attacking you.
Please hide my job in a piece of cheese or a spoonful of peanut butter
back to work
the girl i’m seeing is absolutely dune-pilled after i got her to watch part 1 the other night. i told her i have commitment issues and she said “fear is the mind killer.” what have i done
When having guests over for lunch, once I’ve prepared the meal is it rude of me to leave?
If a gifted child is put up for adoption, is he a regifted child?
When your bucket of KFC starts talking about the afterlife, that is some deep fried chicken.
An alien abduction but it’s just my kid shining a flashlight in my face in the middle of the night asking if I’m awake.
A good relationship is when she is by your side during bad times to tell you that none of this would’ve happened if you had just listened to her.
Trying to decide what to burn for dinner so I can order pizza
What adults say: I’m just gonna close my eyes for a minute.
What adults mean: goodnight see you tomorrow
My God, have you lost your marbles?
Yes, she whispers.
I secure the basement door. Monstrous sounds emanate. The hippos are so very hungry.
My wife and children normally go to bed around 8:45. I do not. My house is very quiet and I am able to get a lot of work done while they’re sleeping.
About a minute ago, I turned around in my office just as my wife was coming to say hello.
I am ashamed of the scream I made.
Do you think you’d make a good sniper?
[ ] Yes •
[ ] No •
•
•
•
Priest: so you want hear more about ‘the damnation’?
Beaver: yes please.
At some point, you’d think there’d be a governmental inquiry into the excessively high escape rate of Gotham City’s penitentiaries.
I go under the police tape, approach the chalk outlined body, and flash my subway sandwich card.
“Ok what do we got here?”
wanna bet Tom Hanks is kinda bitter about how easily Moana got over that break in the waves.
[sees kid crying in grocery store]
hey little guy
[kneels down to his level]
Can you please move you’re blocking the Cinnamon Toast Crunch?
Joked to my kid that he ate too many skittles and I wouldn’t buy him any for 10 years, and he responded with, oh so I can’t have them again until you’re 50, and now we’re both mad.
I personally think YOLO is going to make a strong vernacular comeback and I’m going to personally spend this entire transatlantic flight bringing it back … and that’s when the plane made an emergency landing.
Yesterday my 3 year old had a meltdown & threw her water bottle at our cat. After she calmed down I said, “I don’t think it was very kind to throw your bottle at the cat. Maybe you should apologize.” So she said sorry to the water bottle