idk what he going thru but i feel him
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Office Tip: If you have an even slightly more advanced understanding of Excel, do not, I repeat, do not share this secret with your coworkers.
“Je t’aime” = “I love you”
“Je t’anime” = “I love anime”
Reasons to not go camping No.154:
People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world…
The first rule of Oedipus Club: mum’s the word.
Hey is it just me or is there another two-letter pronoun used to refer to oneself as the object of a verb or preposition?
[Robert Oppenheimer, hands clasped behind back, standing in front of the newly completed atomic bomb] Now I am become death, destroyer of worlds…
[another scientist who worked on the project] me too
KID 911: wats ur emergency
SON: cant find my shoes
KID 911: have you looked literally nowhere?
SON: yes!
KID 911: then it is lost forever
Idiom update: “the pot calling the kettle black” is now “the guy from Aerosmith accusing a dude of looking like a lady”
DRUG DEALER: what’ll it be man
ME: *wearing a wire* some drugs please
[at the surveillance van]
DEA AGENT: did he just say some drugs
Doctor, reading chart: “Says here you’re improving!”
Doctor: “…Oops.”
*slowly turns chart rightside up*
Hey, hey…calm down please. Stop crying. I think all babies are ugly, not just yours.
The D word that everyone’s been feeling at work is depression. I guessed the wrong word, apparently.
Aaaaand there’s HR calling me. Brb.
As the wounded oyster mends it shell with pearl, so shall I mend my wounded ego with my signature homemade potato salad
72% of trick or treating is yelling “CAR!!!” at your kids.
Agreeing to pick a friend up from the airport is nice until that time comes and you start thinking about if you really even need that person in your life anymore.
Netflix: Because you watched that one movie that had Christmas lights in the background of a scene, here are 37 Netflix original holiday movies you might enjoy…
Hey to all the girls with more than one person in their picture you’re making this VERY DIFFICULT.
dates 1-4: let me tell u about my extremely normal hobbies and interests
date 5: i don’t think the moon is real
Hansel and Gretel is my favorite story about two kids who break into an old lady’s house, steal her stuff, and murder her.
One time I overheard my coworker answer a question with ‘I don’t know, I was in Prague’ so that’s my go to now whenever I don’t have the answer to a question.
This is not how I wanted to learn the Greek alphabet
I never got into House MD because it was too farfetched. A doctor who’s rude and doesn’t listen to you?
“fine! leave me because I talk like I’m in a novel but you aren’t taking the kids, he exclaimed”
James is coming over.
“James from work or James who thinks he’s a leprechaun?”J: TOP O’ THE MORNIN’ TO YA!
“I’ll hide the Lucky Charms.”
The Spy Who Loved Me But Wasn’t, Like, IN Love With Me #RejectedBondTitles
gotta say, i love living by the sword. i hope there are no consequences from this regarding how i ultimately die
I have a memory like one of those big grey things you know the ones I mean.
A ceiling fan wont cut a bagel in half, not even on top speed
If I was a dental hygienist I’d be like “Now I’m gonna rip up your gums with a metal hook and then blame you for not flossing enough, sorry”
Dr: Have you been getting enough exercise?
Me: Does sex count as exercise?
Dr: Yes.
Me: No.