The only drawback to having your groceries delivered is now an unknown number people know my cake habits.
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Barbecues are just a theatrical way of letting your neighbours know you’re going to be eating 2 hours later than planned
HELLO POLICE, MY SON JUST TAUGHT CUT TO A LEGENDARY POKEMON I WANT HIM TRIED AS AN ADULT
“Coward” should really mean “to move in the direction of a cow”
Of course I don’t have any skeletons in my closet
I know how to dissolve bones I’m not an amateur
[sexting]
HER: I want u so bad
ME: badly
HER: what?
ME: badly…not bad…it should be an adverb
HER: you don’t sext very good
ME: you mean I don’t sext very WELL
My father gave me 3 pieces of advice
1. Don’t talk to strangers
2. Don’t do drugs
3. Don’t come into the garage when Deep Purple is blasting
i’m just a girl, standing in front of a fan, talking into it so i sound like a robot.
Of all of the profound disappointments that I have faced in my life, be they personal or professional, none is more firmly fixed in my mind, nor more likely to have caused my deeply-rooted trust issues, than the discovery at age four that Play-Doh doesn’t taste the way it smells.
My wife found a spider in the shower.
Anyway, the open house is this Saturday if you’re interested.
Zumba instructor: I’m thinking of teaching yoga too.
Me, the current yoga instructor: Namaste in your lane, Chandie.
6yr old: (screaming in terror) there’s a giant spider in the bathroom!!!!!!!!
Daddy: I’ll get it. (Runs in bathroom). Don’t worry, he’s dead now.
6yr old: YOU KILLED HIM???? (Falls to the floor, sobbing)
You can tell me any plot of land is an acre and I will have no choice but to believe you.
This is the cutest stalk I’ve ever seen. The ear scratching is just the best 😂
*phone falls*
Me: Oh No my phone!!!
*friend falls*
Me: Hahahahaha idiot!
“Think outside the toy box” -my kids bs excuse for why they didn’t clean up
Both sides are the wrong side of the bed when you don’t wanna get up
Honk if you love Jesus. Text while driving if you’d like to meet Him.
Maggi is the girlfriend of the food world. It says 2 minutes but never gets ready in less than 20 minutes.
When a kidnapper gives you* back because you’re too annoying to be around anymore, that’s called getting ridnapped
*me
“The rules are quite simple, Mr Bond: I think of a word, you guess letters in that word. If you guess wrong I draw a picture a man hanging.”
Sex is great but have you ever perfectly clapped the hand clapping part of a song?
Stages of gardening:
1. Excitedly gather supplies
2. Start pulling weeds
3. Kneel in nest of ants
4. Get bitten by 40 ants
5. Be done gardening
I want to marry a man who is never on time so I can refer to him as my late husband
There are only six months between Christmas and Easter which means Jesus was some kind of prodigy “super baby”. Most people don’t consider how much he accomplished in his short lifetime.
If a man shows up with cotton eyes, my first question won’t be about his travel itinerary.
I could survive 3 months in the wilderness with the contents of a woman’s purse and a pocket knife.
Husband: Come on baby, do that thing that I love.
Me: *stuffs an entire jelly doughnut into my mouth*
That moment when you hear a weird noise in the house and you’re so lazy you think “Meh, whatever. I had a good run.”
i love having one cat who is an incredibly beautiful tragic princèss and one cat who is just like WGGLLBBYLAAAHHH