I never know how much to tip a cow.
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My 4yo is singing a song called “it’s Tuesday” and it’s just her singing those two words over and over interspersed with high pitched shrieks and she can’t get in the bath until she’s done and I have no idea when that’ll be. And the worst part of all this? It’s not even Tuesday.
[at lunch with friend]
Friend: … but you didn’t hear that from me.
Me: [looking up from my phone] Hear what?
Friend: Exactly *winks*
my roommate’s been really excited about how well one of her plants has been doing and idk how to tell her it’s a fake plant
I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.
If the head of CIA can’t even hide his own affair it’s pretty safe to say there were no aliens at Roswell and we really went to the moon.
Came home to find our Roomba had gone rogue, stolen our bath mat and crashed into a wall, before giving up and dying
quite the party
The older you get, the more you realise your chances of being cast as a vampire in a Twilight reboot are dwindling.
I’m trying to convince my Seattle in-laws the new travel ban means we can’t visit them this summer.
All the girls I’ve ever kissed can agree on one thing. It’s weird that I have a beak.
She asked me to buy Tampons so I bought Kotex, because that one time I wanted ice cream and she bought frozen yogurt.
sloth: *arriving at his prison cell*
prison guard: ok you’re free to go
Note to self: I am a note
There’s only one good girl here!
Me: I’ve lost the dictionary
Her: Can you look upstairs?
Me: I can’t look up anything
me: sorry, but 40 is NOT too old to date!
wife: this has nothing to do with your age
The incontinent optimist sees the bladder as half empty.
ANGEL: what are we gonna call the 11th month? I was thinking Vember.
GOD: no, no Vember. Vember is my ex.
ANGEL:
GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, so this is gonna sound really petty but I just had an idea-
Wife: I’m growing some vegetables.
Me: What if the pig eats them?
Wife: Then I’m growing porkchops.
Accidentally spilled some rice on my iPhone, so am now going to have to leave it submerged in water overnight.
<during sex>
Me: Can we pretend I didn’t just call you Uncle Joe?
Her: Not sure, it’s pretty disturbing.
Uncle Joe: It didn’t bother me.
Me: Ok kids, vacation time!!
Kids: Yay!
M: See you in a week!
*slams door*Kids: …
My apathy is at an all time whatever.
Billboards never give helpful advice like “hey you’re about to walk into work with your fly down”.
There’s no rule that says only fruit can be put in water infusers. But let me tell you, people get real weirded out when you put beef jerky and cheese in there.
I didn’t even know Canada existed until Twitter.
[Honest banana advertisement]
Bananas: You’re gonna buy too many
I can’t get the cork off my dinner.
HOW TO TRICK A MAN INTO MARRIAGE
her: hey babe they’re serving all you can eat beans at this church
him: see you there
[at the church]
her: I just found out the beans are only for married couples
him: ahh fine
It’s so considerate of drug dealers to make the Police’s job so much easier, by always dressing just like drug dealers
A faucet is just a vertical treadmill for a tiny jesus