Jaws (1975): people started hating a shark for doing normal shark things
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Don’t listen to the haters, all mushrooms are edible.
Some only once.
I can’t believe I’m supposed to obey ALL the traffic laws ALL the time.
When people ask me “plz” because its shorter than “please”.. I just tell them “no” because its shorter than “yes.”
Right now, Girl Scout moms are hungrily eyeing the cases of cookies filling their living rooms and wondering if their bank accounts can take the hit
I very much doubt that actual military commandos go into battle without underwear on.
in the office ordering extra garlic sauce with my lunch schwarma much like a skunk deterring predators
“Dumb as a bag of hammers” is kind of a stupid comparison because it’s actually quite a clever way to carry several hammers at once.
Hey everyone, welcome to Simon Says club. Please have a seat.
*sigh* Looks like we have some work to do
[kung fu fight]
“Your tiger claw is no match for my crane.”
*starts lifting heavy building materials*
Husband: Eat a carrot they are good for your eyes!
6: I’m good mommy thinks I look cute in my glasses.
My obsession with building townhouses is going to give me a complex one of these days.
There’s a tiktok ad I keep seeing that’s like “STOP SPENDING $200 ON SUNGLASSES.” Ok done. Easiest task I’ve ever been given
I’m really scared society will collapse soon and there won’t be any more Doritos.
Loan Officer: Denied
Me: maybe this will change your mind
*climbs on his desk & performs a perfect rendition of Take a Chance on Me, bank patrons are clapping & singing along*
Me: *catching my breath* well??
Loan Officer: ABBAsolutely not
A great way to make people nervous is to tell them where the bathroom is without their asking.
The coolest thing about the last Hobbit movie was knowing it was the last Hobbit movie.
If she shovels shit at the local zoo, then she’s a keeper
They say 9 or 10 is a good age to tell your kid they were adopted, but only IF they were adopted.
Suddenly she was on her back, clothes strewn everywhere and her wrists bound to her ankles. She always had trouble hanging out the washing.
I don’t know why people get mad when someone uses their driveway to turn around. You get to feel the rage of someone dropping by unexpectedly followed by the orgasmic relief of them leaving.
I have a spot on my glasses but nothing to clean the lens with so I’m learning not to see it. So…pretty much how I deal with all my problems.
mom: why didn’t you answer your phone?
me: i was driving
mom: where are you now?
me: walking the dog
mom: you need better excuses
me: it’s the truth
mom: then put the dog on
me: he’s uh driving
Got kicked out of church again for laughing every time they say b-holed.
Boys will be boys. Girls will be girls. Koalas will be koalas. Just about everything will be the things they are. That’s how this works.
My wife’s biggest fear isn’t that we’ll die from Coronavirus, it’s that we’ll die from Coronavirus and the kids will go through our stuff and find out that mom and dad were into some really freaky shit.
Me: Eat your vegetables. They make you smarter.
3-year-old: *hands me a carrot* You need this more than I do.
Before you react, just know that everyone’s is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Literally everyone.
Dave’s out back punching a hornet’s nest. Monica’s wrestling her grandma in the bathroom.
Nobody knows why. It’s absolute chaos.
It’s not you, it’s me. When we met I was so young and optimistic.
-me, to the vegetables in my fridge
(Teaching my kid about screwdrivers)
Remember: righty tighty, lefty loosey.
That’s it now the vodka’s open get the orange juice.
AVATAR
AVA2R
3VATAR
AV4TAR
AVATAR (the V means 5)