Before arbys gets sucked into the sun with the rest of the earth and everything you’ve ever known or loved, please come eat some of our crap
You Might Also Like
Watching a Canadian stream, I just saw an ad for “OK Tire”. That’s the kind of business I want to buy from, one where I’m 75% sure the tires won’t just explode on the highway.
I’m dangerous, baby. Like egg salad that has been sitting out in the sun.
if i’m bleeding out in an alley & you approach me w/an app that would save me, but i’d have to login using facebook, i’d be fine w/just dyin
The toddler has started to understand more of my BAD language. So my swear words have become a bit more PG… Fudgesicles! Oh Sugar! Sweet Nibblets! Holy Guacamole!
Basically, swearing now makes me hungry.
Therapist: and what do we say when your coworkers start to annoy you?
Me: if I see you outside I’m going to run you over.
Therapist: what? No.
Atheist: I can’t believe it’s not butter
Theist: I can believe it
Agnostic: Just eat the toast
I just shaved my legs. I think I lost three pounds.
6: *practicing her gymnastics beam routine*
Me, with my hand stuck in a Pringles can: don’t forget to point your toes!
Don’t worry little groundhog, when I stick my head outside and see what’s going on in the world today I run back inside and hide too.
I’m not taking the Democrat convention seriously until someone starts talking to a table.
As the mother of two kids under 5, I’m always playing a game I call “Is this normal, or is my child a sociopath?”
#SometimesForFun I update signs at work
Oh my. I haven’t laughed this hard in a while. Good ol’ Winnipeg. 🤣
13 Types of Regret You’ll Experience After Clicking on a Link to an Article That Won’t Live Up to its Exaggerated Headline
“Oh no… Me think Jane home early.”
Are there Jewish exorcisms? Where the demon comes out, and just tells you to call your mother?
me doing my taxes: will i go to jail if i write off this pen?
some rich guy doing his taxes: deduct “the sea”
Waiter: Can I get you something to drink?
Me: just cheese dip
Waiter: ….
Me: With a straw please
Ever look at your coworker and wonder “how are they still giving you a paycheck”?
50% of raising kids is begging them to use their words.
50% is begging them to be quiet.
Who knew a midlife crisis could have so few convertibles and so many cats?
WIFE: what the hell happened here?
ME: i broke an egg
[earlier]
ME [shaking egg]: tell me what u know, u piece of shit
Me: How old is your daughter?
Her: She’ll be 4 next week.
Me: *audible sigh
(Slowly, emphatically): OK. But I asked how old is she… NOW.
If you ever get attacked by a bear, throw your shark at it. Also, get a shark.
I miss the days of Agatha Christie when rich people only murdered each other.
The ONE time I actually want to say “duck”, damn you autocorrect!
“Sorry again! I’d love to join the preschool field trip to the DUCK pond”
Valentine’s Day is *not* the most romantic day of the year; the winter solstice is, because it gives you the most amount of time to spend with your vampire husband before the sun rises.
I love Chinese food as much as the next guy, but you’ll never convince me a chicken fried this rice.
It’s normal for people to change the locks and forget to tell you…right?
Mufasa: See that river over there? Simba: Yeah? Mufasa: F*cked so many bitches over there