16,875,547,322 traffic-related bug deaths so far this year
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I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, “Got any shoes you’re not using?”
I’m terrified to death of someone stealing my identity and improving my credit
I was tired of losing my glasses so I put them on a chain. Now my hair’s in a tight bun, there’s a used hanky in the sleeve of my cardigan and I lick my index finger every time I turn a page.
My 4yo asked me for a ninja shaped pancake. I made her a circle because that’s all my pancake making skill level allows me to make. She was like, “umm… where’s the ninja??” So I told her that it’s so fast you can’t see it and she said “wow! Thanks mom!” Lmao
I thought there was something wrong with my eye because the area around it was swollen but it was just my face getting fatter
[Sahara desert]
Me: *shares canteen*
Companion: *holds it to his mouth but nothing comes out*
Me: it’s ketchup, you have to wait a bit.
For all we know, half the birds are telling the other birds to shut up.
Him: tell me about your longest relationship
Me: *thinking furiously* does Windows 95 count?
My husband sure has a lot of opinions on which movie he’s gonna sleep through.
Why is it so dry under the lawn chairs? Cause the lawn canopy
I just saw a skunk and a possum walking through my backyard and i of course assume they’re off on some kind of adventure
*Me on a first date* centaurs have two rib cages
*stirs coffee with knife*
*licks knife*
“Let’s do this”
*wakes kids for school*
The year is 2246. Disease and hunger have been eradicated. The terraforming of Mars is complete. The symbol for Save is still a floppy disk.
My 4yo twins spent half the morning yelling “Alexa watch this!!” and when they finally walked away Alexa asked if I could find her a new home that doesn’t have kids
@Mister_Gravity @OwensDamien @funTweeters Sssshhhhh, they haven’t noticed thus far, don’t screw it up for everyone…
I think it’s bad coaching to tell kids to choke up on the bat. matter of fact i don’t think children should be eating baseball bats at all.
I want a car horn that shouts obscenities.
My girlfriend left a tampon at my apartment and idk where the left one is. Anyone know where I can get a single left tampon to keep a set here for emergencies?
When I tell a joke that doesn’t land, I follow up with a worse one to make my audience realize how good they had it with the first joke.
the sandworm from dune has arrived on the red carpet
Him: I’m leaving you.
Me: [can’t hear him because I’m trying to breakdance in my bubble wrap suit]
Running Up That Hill by Kate Bush plays as the camera pans to me chasing an ice cream truck in my flip flops.
I woke up this morning feeling ever so confident that today was the day I would commit myself to physical fitness.
Right after I finish this bacon, egg, and cheese McGriddle.
cop: why’d you kill him?
me: I was trying to count something and he kept shouting random numbers
cop: ugh hate that you’re free to go
Wife: It’s sweltering in here. We need to get the AC fixed.
Me: Look at this gif, it’ll cool you down.
Wife: I forget, did you want to be buried or cremated?
[first date]
Him: Let’s take the stairs!
Me: I think we should see other people.
[white house staff meeting]
Obama: Any questions?
*Biden raises hand*
Obama: Spongebob is yellow Joe.
*Biden returns to coloring book*
If you click with someone, be their friend. If they prove they’re not worthy of your friendship, bury the body & start again.
4-year-old: Can you do what you want at work?
Me: No, I have to listen to my boss.
4: Mom is at your work?