Ladies, other women should be our allies, not our enemies. Nobody understands the heart of a woman like another woman. You’re still pretty.
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*whips out tampon*
“Now weigh me”
Them: you’re fired
Me: Well GOOD LUCK dealing with this mess when I’m gone *gesturing to my crumb-covered workspace*
*eats only grass-fed donuts
You are what you eat.
*eats Ryan Gosling*
*crosses fingers*
*aliens land in America*
Alien Captain: Take me to your leader!
Me: *heavy sigh* Listen, Bro…this is kind of embarrassing, but…
My therapist after every session
😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
Hand feeding garbage to my roomba when its battery is low
wife: I want you-
me: [takes off clothes]
wife: -to do the laundry
me: [puts them in washer]
I think some of you need an exorcism not an intervention.
if you can’t judge a book by its cover then graphic design is a big fat lie
Pot smokers like to say it’s safe because it’s natural. Other safe natural things include sunburn, poison ivy, and being eaten by a bear.
Crossfit is the healthiest way to get rid of your friends.
Me: I’m hard at work
HR: this is why you’re fired
Nobody:
My husband: That’s it. I’m going to bring back jean shorts.
Why does a billionaire need a Bat signal? He is in a cave. How does he even see the signal? Why won’t you just text him?
Pat is about to own someone
2015: This is our son, Aiden.
2016: This is our son, Lemonaiden.
5: There’s a werewolf in my closet.
Me: Nah. Werewolves don’t live in closets.
5: Where do werewolves live?
Me: Um…warehouses.
I’m at the age I don’t remember it’s my birthday but my wife makes me feel better by reminding me I’m at the age I don’t remember anything.
No one will question your alcoholism if you always propose a toast before drinking.
I gave this homeless guy $5 and an old lady behind me told me he’s just going to use it for drugs, so I confronted him and asked where I could also get drugs for $5
I feel sorry for non-glasses wearers. They’ll never know the joy of cleaning them & suddenly being upgraded to the UHD package.
me: have you seen my shoes?
dad: I saw them on your feet once
me: I’m serious can you be more specific
dad: hi serious, I’m more specific
Parents: Don’t put glass near your eyes.
Inventor of eyeglasses: Okay, I tried it and I’m sorry, but you’re not gonna believe this…
Bear attack by generation:
Boomer – kill bear level forest into a mall parking lot
Gen x – climb tree build fort
Gen y – wait for helicopter Gen. x parent to fix it
Gen z – die doing bear makeover for insta
Even if it’s not cursed, a monkey paw is a terrible gift.
My 9yo on Shark Tank:
“It’s a shirt, but look, it’s also a napkin!”
Newton taught us that a body at rest will remain at rest, a body in motion will remain in motion, and that figs taste good in cookies.
The First Rule of Menopause Club:
We don’t talk PERIOD.