There are two wolves inside you, I don’t remember what you’re supposed to do with them but I DO remember they WILL NOT do that thing with peanut butter that dogs will.
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“Thats a killer dirt bike you’ve got, man!”
*dirt bike holds a knife to your throat*
Believe me…I know.
dave is coming over
“normal dave or dave whos alwayes doing impressions of evrybody we know”
[from outside] hi guyes, its normal dave
“noooo
So unfair that I’m banned from Target. The sign said I could take three items into the dressing room and didn’t say one couldn’t be cake.
DMV CLERK: go to the end of the line it’s gonna be a while
WAITER: excellent
[At work]
What can I do to pass the time?
Overheard by myself while in the bathroom just now:
•”That’s cheating; you can’t jump off that!”
•”You’re using toothpick as a weapon?!”
•”Shh… if we only eat two each, she won’t know.”
•”I bet Mom’s reading a book in there.”
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
Me: guess who i saw today?
Batman: who?
M: not your parents
B: Y do you always do this?
M: cause they told me to
B: who?
M: not your parents
guy inventing chess: this is an allegory for the medieval system of monarchy
guy inventing checkers: hoppity hop, hop hop hop
You are all invited to my murder shed, I mean my shed
Me, age 21: I bet I can cannonball into the pool from the balcony of this Super 8
Me, age 51: I have to wait ten seconds after I stand up until the factory settings in my body reset
I’m calling the cops.
I’m still awake because my brain can’t locate my sleep file, babe
At my age getting up early just means that I had to go pee and I couldn’t hold it anymore.
the new york sewer rats have finally elected a new rat pope
*throws keys at nearest sober person*
DRIVE ME HOME PEASANT
Dunkin Donuts gives you zero or fifty nine napkins, there is no in between.
The chick at this circus just swallowed a sword and I saw a guy elbow his woman like “see?…”
Once again thinking about the most Massachusetts headline I’ve ever seen
Maybe I misheard him…
But I think God just told me to start building a really big goat.
Throwing a spear at your enemy is a bad gamble. If you miss you have no spear now and he’s just fine. He’s better than fine; now he has a spear.
My anaconda don’t want none unless you use proper grammar and avoid using double negatives.
[Jack Black’s birthday]
Oh wow..ANOTHER rock polisher, thanks grandma.
“How is Rock School going dear?”
It’s School of ro- *sigh* nevermind.
Flex on houseplants by drinking water whenever you want
My friend tripped and fell, ran into a tree and broke her nose on her morning run this morning. I reminded her, I maybe got a little out of breath, but didn’t hurt anything eating cheesecake in bed.
I’m too polite to tell you that I dislike you, but if I ever serve you kale…take the hint.
[Interviewing to be a mortician]
Do you have any experience handling dead bodies?-Well I get my sleepy kids ready for school every day.
Vending machine egg salad sandwich cleanse.
I’m so hungry I’d eat a vegan.
“Have you tried just letting go?” Me as a therapist
“Whatever you do, don’t let go!” Me as a part-time mountain climbing instructor
Was a bad day at the office the time I mixed those two up…