The best thing about having siblings is roping them into Schemes
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yeah i can totally shred on the guitar do you want romaine lettuce or cheese
ME: ur more likely to get hit by lightning than eaten by a shark
SHARK: [biting my torso] today’s your lucky day
ME: *gets hit by lightning*
1 PM: I can’t wait to go to bed
1 AM: I should reorganize the garage
doctors will be like go get this and pharmacists will be like here u go
I only make mistakes when I’m around people who are observant.
Forget being the bigger person, I’m going to just start barking at people
I remember when rollercoasters were fun, not a daily emotional existence.
*Banging on the bottom of my brain with a broomstick* HEY KEEP IT DOWN UP THERE
Meets girl at bar.
Takes her to Ikea.Quickly learns the difference between one-night stand and one nightstand.
thinking about that time they found a cat sleeping with a baby who’d been abandoned in a box in the cold and everyone was like “omg the cat saved the baby 🥺” but like…I’m prettyyyyy sure the cat was just there for the box
Did you know, that just by pretending to pee in the shower, you could meet Home Depot’s Chief of Security.
Nothing fills an awkward silence like a 10 minute kazoo solo.
Avalanches won my recent poll of the world’s favourite natural disasters, by a landslide.
Me: BEAN!!! Come here!
9y/o Daughter: Mom, please don’t call me that in public
Me: Beanie Baby?
D: Mom. No.
Me: Okay! *pause* Girl spawn, woul-
D: MOM!!!
friend: what day is it today
me: it’s mar 10
friend: like mario!
me: itsa mar 10
My insurance company said if my tent is stolen while I’m camping, I won’t be covered.
do mermaids get waxed or descaled
My daughter begs me to read one more recipe before bed,
“How does the Stroganoff turn out!?”I place a hand on their innocent forehead, “Darling, the stroganoff in the book will be just fine.” I stare out the window at the dark cold night, “But real life is not like in books.”
Very normal stages of anger:
1) kinda upset
2) crying
3) imagining yourself singing a revengeful song to them at a talent show
*I accidentally fall onto my computer and it logs me into Facebook* crap
*I try to get up but fall again and it causes me to type in my ex’s name* dangit
*I fall yet again and comment “your baby looks cross-eyed” on his album* oh shoot
I’m sick of following my dreams. I’m just going to ask them where they’re going and hook up with them later.
Someone just commented they wanted to be my husband and I blocked them..
I don’t need that kind of negative talk..
“Disney movies promote false images of the friendliness of woodland creatures,” I mutter after each rabies shot.
Last month my mom asked what “af” meant and I said it meant “like REALLY something” without saying what it stood for
Airports have the right idea. If you’re gonna stress people out, at least give them bookstores, coffee, cocktails, and let them wear sweatpants. It’s only fair.
13-year-old: I need cool clothes.
Me: I think your clothes now are pretty cool.
13: That’s the problem
I have two years left on my looks. Four if I work out.
So 2 years.
Why did they call it ‘Rambo: First Blood Part 2’ instead of ‘Rambo: Second Blood’? That’s some bullshit right there.
DATE: In my room when I was younger [smiles] I used to sing with a hairbrush
ME [spits out drink] I never even knew hairbrushes could sing
When I woke my son up, he growled at me and I was like, “First of all, you need to get ready for school, and second of all, you raise a good point.”