For April Fool’s Day, Pizza Hut Taiwan has rolled out a “flavorless” pizza, which is just a giant hole with nothing inside
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I hope google does well on my son’s test
It’s so weird being an introverted parent to an extroverted child because whenever I’m around town without her, strangers are like “hey, where’s Greta?” and I’m like you’re a random senior citizen in the coffee shop, how do you know my 4-year-old??
Me: Alright girls today we are going to watch a little video about bullying and self defense.
8yo daughter: Ugh, are we watching The Karate Kid again!?
Me: Why, yes we are!
BARTENDER: what can i get you
MOTH: gimme a bug light
[jogging]
brain: let’s talk shall we
me: ok
brain: are we being chased
me: no
brain: are we chasing something
me: no
brain: so wtf are we doing then
heart & lungs: we also have questions
You don’t see many dog librarians. Probably because of the barking.
(dumping an old couch in the ocean) i am creating an artificial reef, to act as a fish habitat
The hubby, son and I are all working from home today, this is my goodbye tweet.
[courtroom, on witness stand]
Prosecuting attny: If you think she’s poisoning you, why did you eat it?
Me: It was pizza
[jury nods, murmurs]
[people leaving the reading of my last will and testament]
why did he have so many tamagotchis
I’m told I look very good for a man twice my age.
COP: Can you describe the bear that attacked you?
ME: Less huggable than you’d think
It’s never been safer to eat the rich, at least you know they’re getting tested regularly
my little sister is staying home for her first semester of college so i’m gonna puke in her shower and set off the fire alarm at 3am so she can get the true freshman year dorm experience
Told my doctor I would lose 10 pounds in three months. That was three months ago and now I have 18 hours to lose 9¾ pounds.
mom: brush your teeth and put on your pajamas
me: mom i’m a grown man. i don’t need u telling me how to get ready for story time.
“I need a timing belt & power steering for my life” I say to my new bros, using the only 2 car-terms I know in a single testosterone bullet.
[breakfast]
ME: please pass the egg snow and the toast ketchup
WIFE: *reluctantly hands me the salt and jelly* you are really something else dude
Imagine me riding a bike.
Wrong.
There’s no seat.
Guess what? My husband doesn’t let me cook because I burn everything. Did I sneak behind his back and make fried chicken today? Yes. Because sometimes you have to prove yourself. Did I catch the kitchen on fire? Also yes
F: Why do we even have toenails anyway? It’s not like we can pick our nose with them.
Me: speak for yourself
I can either cut my toe nails, or majestically swoop down and grab a salmon from a river.
Crime would drop to 0% if police uniforms were scary clown costumes. “Put your hands up and state your favorite balloon animal!”
me: we have developed a fear of boy bands
wife: at the same time
therapist: in sync?
together: *screams*
I just found out I have a half sister. It was the result of a magic trick gone really wrong.
waiter: do you need a minute to look over the menu?
me, researched it online: yes please
I’m not a mechanic so I don’t know why, but my car seems to make a screaming noise whenever I run over people.
[ground control to major tom] so like, what time is it in space right now?
If you didn’t want a doll made entirely out of my hair then maybe you shouldn’t have liked my selfie
[customs]
“Passport?”
*I lift up my bag & a severed head falls out*
ME: OH NO OH GOD
*still rummaging through bag*
ME: I’ve forgotten it