GENIE: u can’t wish for more wishes
ME: i wish u had permanent irritable bowel syndrome
GENIE: *sweating* ha ha then again rules are meant to be broken
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I wish the Antiques Roadshow guy had just told me how much my swords were worth without getting all nosy about where the blood came from.
added child seasoning to the list instead of chili, so that changes up next week’s menu.
I’ll never forget the day we met. That’s the great thing about police records
why are you as a non alcoholic cocktail priced in the double digits
WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?
ME: Did Smurfette call them her bluebs?
WIFE: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’.
. 🧔🏻/ It’s
<) ) 🎹🎹🎹
/🧔🏻 9 o’clock
( (> 🎹🎹🎹
/🧔🏻/ On a Saturday
<) ) 🎹🎹🎹
/The regular crowd
👴🏻/ 👵🏽/ 👩🏻/ 👨🏽/
<) ) <) ) <) ) <) )
/ / / /Shuffles in
‘I’m so single that if I win a trip for two, I’m goin twice’
As my girlfriend was trying on jeans, a clerk asked her “Need a bigger size?” I saw the look on her face and went to make room in the trunk.
The age at which you can no longer comfortably sit in bleachers for extended periods of time will correspond directly to the age at which your kid’s sport will require you to.
Hey Pringles, It’s time to widen the can. Your core demographic isn’t exactly thin-wristed. Thank you!
“stop letting someone live in your head rent free”
other people: okay, you’re right. i will stop letting them live in my head.
me: I MUST FIND A WAY TO MAKE THEM PAY THE RENT
I am eternally grateful that Twitter doesn’t have an “is online now” indicator
A small toddler is the closest thing you can have to a Pokémon. It follows you around, you love it dearly, no one else can understand what it’s saying, and it is obedient only when it wants to be. The main difference is that training it to fight other toddlers is frowned upon
“Oh, I do like Chinese food!”
-My 6yo, eating chicken fingers & fries from The Imperial Bamboo kid’s menu
Your face is perpetually itchy now that you’re not supposed to touch it.
It’s science.
My “life hack,” channel on YouTube is super popular but it’s just me ordering my assistant to make a meal, clean the clothes, scale a building using only twine. Put a mastiff face on the cheetah in the CRISPR lab, steal a kidney in a car, not a hotel room…. Pretty mundane.
Kids got me a t-shirt 2 sizes too small and made me a big breakfast this morning. So yes I now know what it’s like to take off a sports bra
[at library]
ME: Yes, I’d like to Czech out a book on eastern Europe.
LIBRARIAN: 3rd floor
ME: Get it?
L: This is dialog, I’m not reading it
I have jury duty tomorrow so whoever it is, they’re getting the chair
just because your parents planned you doesn’t mean you weren’t a mistake
give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day.
give a fish a man and it’s Jaws.
DO NOT ATTEMPT TO SURGICALLY CHANGE YOUR SON’S BONES TO STEEL LIKE WOLVERINE. THERE WILL BE A LOT OF QUESTIONS.
Fun morning at work…does Costco sell voodoo dolls in bulk?
When I undress there is a radiant shower that falls. Not of money or glitter, but of dog hair.
I feel like I’ve been drinking water since the day I was born. When does it end? Like get over it blood I’ve given you plenty
I like to go hiking and by hiking I mean I like to stand in the woods while a moody soundtrack plays in my head and pretend I am a vengeful forest spirit
She believed me when i said concentration camps were for people with Attention Deficit Disorder.
How many court cases have been thrown out because the judge needs a unanimous decision & the jury is made up entirely of dentists
friend: this has been the worst day of my life
me, an aspiring motivational life coach: worst day of your life SO FAR
Me: *scrunches my face*
13: Your forehead looks like one of those people from Star Trek.
Me: *gasps* HOW DARE YOU!… you know we’re a Star Wars family.