Vet: We have to put his dog down
Assistant: You tell him
Vet: No, you
Assistant: You!
Vet: YOU!
John Wick: What are you two whispering about?
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I’m not a jealous person, unless of course you have coffee and I don’t.
Beware…..
*Buys 15 feet of bubble wrap*
Cashier: “Are you moving?”
Me: “No, why?”
mom: how was the ballgame
me: they showed sex on tv
mom: what?
dad: he means the kiss cam
me: haha no *crossing out line in notebook* that’s for sure different than sex and I knew that
Me: I have shark like reflexes
“Don’t you mean cat like reflexes”
Me: NO!
*i charge*
*he bops me on the nose*
*I run away*
academia has you beefing with someone 3k miles away who is also one of only 4 people on earth who likes the same stuff as you
Me: *eating a breakfast bowl with turkey sausage and egg whites* hmm only 270 calories
Also me: *sprinkles half a cup of shredded cheese on top* that’s better
doctor: your heart rate is a little high, have you exercised today?
me: does sex count?
doctor: yes
me: then no
i was a competitive fencer in high school and spent 20+ hours a week training and many weekends at tournaments, which absolutely destroyed any chance of a social life. thats right. i can literally say “when you were partying, i studied the blade”
I think my 2 year old is behind the Netflix algorithm. He’s like “Because I liked being carefully tossed up in the air by my dad, I might also enjoy running headfirst into this doorframe”.
Wife: Give me $50
Me: Can’t, it’s all tied up in our long-term investment strategy
W: Eh?
M: Gave it all to a psychic for next week’s winning lottery numbers
W: IDIOT
M: Knew she was good, that’s exactly what she predicted you’d say!
W: I despise you
A heart-shaped pizza just means less pizza and that’s not a sacrifice I’m willing to make for love.
Just installed an egg cannon on the hood of my car. Flipping people off and cursing at them just doesn’t satisfy me anymore.
men don’t eject their eyes from their sockets and yell awooga anymore
Another day, another round of men asking, “Why are women attracted to this mildly unconventional looking dude?” Honey, every woman you know has a crush on the cartoon fox version of Robin Hood, and this is what baffles you?
Thrilled that my 5YO started reading chapter books.
Terrified that she’ll find out the words, pages and chapters I skipped during bedtime routine
Lame! I was tricked into watching PS, I Love You! It’s definitely NOT about a guy that marries his PlayStation.
The ex-comedian urge to write my own wedding vows so everyone remembers I’m the funnier one in the relationship
Is that a banana in your pocket or… oh wait that is a banana. Sir I’m with super market security. Please come with me.
When you’ve brought up your child to be kind and never take sides.
Husband: Who’s fatter – mummy or daddy?
Miss 8: You both are.
I found if you put the right stickers on your cooler and walk as fast as you can they’ll let you in any part of the hospital you want.
It’s like my grandpa always said: make all your decisions based on the outcome of social media polls.
*first year living alone*
Me: *runs out of bedroom on Christmas Day to find no presents* what
This guy is heading back in to town. His wife has been sick for months, and his recent indiscretions weigh heavily on his mind. He eyes the oncoming cement truck, and feels a pull. He could leave this all behind with one turn of the-
Son: I don’t want to play hot wheels anymore
Twitter: “Where people are openly Gay and secretly Republican”
If anyone’s looking for a new podcast recommendation, check out the one I listened to over the weekend. Can’t remember what it was called but it offered a fascinating insight into its chosen topic. Well worth a listen if you get a chance 👍
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to everyone chanting “SHIT PANTS”]
Me: It was just time for a change.
Just washed my windows and not a single bloke came out and said ‘You can do mine next!’
This used to be a real country.
i am genuinely afraid for the people who post on the shitty food reddit
A couple of our wine glasses broke, and I bought slightly smaller ones to replace them.
I don’t think my wife has ever been this mad at me before.