“Still upset about earlier?”
Yeah
“So you knocked over a few spaghetti boxes at the store. No big deal”
I WAS A WORLD JENGA CHAMPION, SALLY
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SHOUT OUT TO ALL THE WEATHER REPORTERS RISKING LIFE & LIMB SO WE CAN ALL KNOW WHAT A 130MPH HURRICANE LOOKS LIKE IN THE DARK!
[with my final breath] Tell my wife that I loved..the economy
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
he had the eyes of a man who just dropped his ice cream
I’ve come to realize that cleaning my house with everyone home is like brushing your teeth while eating oreos.
I only go on LinkedIn to see what my coworkers looked like 15 years ago.
Prison Guard: *evil laugh* I’m going to do a cavity search.
Me, who has never had a cavity because I brush regularly: I look forward to it!
Daughter (5): “Daddy your tummy is big and bouncy just like our trampoline”
Me: “Well you’re short and can’t spell chrysanthemum”
My son came home from golfing & took the longest nap. When he woke up, he said, “I took a total Dad nap. I’m going to make the best Dad!”
Something tells me his future wife will not agree with this.
Netflix and scroll through the selections until it’s too late to start watching anything.
“hey! so sorry for the delay on this!”
– me praying for the first time in over a decade
I’d like to pay my .30 library fine with two credit cards please.
[romantic walk]
Me: *turns to date* darling
Her: *gasps*
Me: *gets down on one knee* will you
Her: omg
Me: protest racial inequality with me
About halfway through my wife’s lecture on how dangerous cutting my own hair was I chopped off my own ears. I’ll never hear the end of it now.
There should be a place on the organ donor card that lets you leave your middle finger to a person you hate.
When an unattractive woman in a bar asks me my sign I tell her “Stop.”
British people this week:
“Ooh it’s too hot for me”
“Enjoy it while it lasts!”
This generation has discovered the selfie stick. My generation discovered AIDS. Don’t know what’s worse.
[blind date]
Her: so what do you do for fu..
Me: I’M 34 IF YOU DON’T FALL IN LOVE WITH ME I’M STATISTICALLY UNLIKELY TO EVER FIND A MATE
My favorite child is the one who can always find the remote.
A Cobra wanted to fight me but I challenged him to a thumb war and he slitthered away embarrassed.
The Cheesecake Factory had a “Help Wanted” sign. I was really disappointed that it wasn’t to help eat the cheesecake. #FluffyChickProblems
don’t ask what my resolution is. there are 3 days left in this garbage year and i am focusing on being my worst possible self for every minute of them. “exercise more” “eat better” go to hell, im gonna burn down a tgi fridays
Every time someone calls me an asshole, I stand up like I’m gonna do something about it. Then I just end up stretching while I wink at them.
The secret to work life balance is generational wealth
I finally learned to stop listening to the voices in my head when they told me to put pineapple on my pizza. Would have been a lot fewer burned buildings had they suggested that sooner.
a massage is not enough I need to be rolled through a pasta machine
If you don’t have a panini press just heat up your corduroys and sit on your sandwich. Why do I have to solve all the hard problems
I’m just a girl
Hiding under a bed
Hoping his wife leaves soon
Again
There’s a programme on the BBC called Elephant Diaries.
You’d think that was one animal that wouldn’t need to keep one.
Honored sirs, I am PRINCE KIELSEN and I am contacting you with exciting opportunity. I recently inherited an island but need a small amount of cash. Send a money order for $600,000,000 to my account and I will give you “Greenland.”