I’ve touched enough cacti to know they are sharp but also not enough to stop touching cacti.
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Having kids is great because you get to ask fun questions like why is there a volleyball in the refrigerator?
It was pouring rain. As I walked into the store, my feet slipped & I slid toward a random man walking out. He had a huge bag of pet food on his shoulder. The panicked look on his face as he tried to decide whether to drop the bag & grab me or NOT was a like a whole Russian novel.
My 4-year-old has a tummyache and before she went to bed she asked how you get the egg out of your body, so that’s how I found out she’s spent her whole life thinking we get tummyeggs when we don’t feel well.
me: I’m in a terrible mood
friend: try drinking some water
me: how dare you my emotions are real and can’t be placated
[immediately after drinking water]
me: okay obviously the water didn’t do anything but I think while drinking I took time to reflect and feel better
Inventor: It’s a jackhammer.
Investors: This is groundbreaking.
asking a gay couple who the man and woman are in their relationship is like asking a vegetarian which vegetable in their salad is the meat
Imagine if Trump becomes President and we are invaded by aliens.
Alien: Take us to your leader.
America: *Looks ashamed* Are you sure?
Me to my kids: don’t ever lie
Me serving any kind of meat: it’s chicken
we need a disney princess who is the shark from the movie Jaws
ME: [watching tv]
FRIEND: You should turn it on tho
“It’s beautiful today. Let’s work outside.”
*5 mins later*
“This was a terrible idea.”
*more bees disrupt the open heart surgery*
We’d never met, or even spoken, but I could tell just from gazing into her pale blue eyes I had stepped on her toe.
next level snooze
At my funeral play the Super Mario original theme until my casket is lowered in the ground then play the underground music
How come when people say “it’s been real” it’s fine, but when I say “this has been a fictitious event conjured up by my addled brain” all of the beings around me get awful quiet.
interviewer: what do you know about excel?
me: *closing my eyes* 24th and 12th letter of the alphabet
I saw all your OJ jokes yesterday and they absolutely killed me
Is it physically possible to be sad in rollerskates? Cause I think my cat’s just being dramatic.
me telling my computer i’ll update everything tomorrow
An app told me I had a notification and the notification was that there were no new notifications, so we’re all dealing with a lot rn
4 thinks the lead singer of Queen was Freddie Macaroni and he won’t be taking any further questions on this
When I see guys with skinny jeans and skin tight T’s on I pretend they are actual giants who woke up tiny and just had nothing else to wear.
i hate it when i eat a slice of bread and it grows into a bread tree in my stomach
Dogs are man’s best friend because a dog would never blindside you with an eleven person group text.
Me: ‘Have you considered hydrotherapy?’
19: ‘What?’
Me: ‘Just take a shower, please.’
Today I finally told my kids that St Patrick isn’t real, and it’s been me putting the snakes under their pillows all these years.
Saw a Fed Ex driver screaming out the window of his truck “we da real Santa Claus.” New York is the best.
[front of card]
No one will find your body[open card]
as attractive as I do[back of card]
lying at the bottom of an abandoned mine shaft
gf: that guy hit on me, make him pay
me: [to guy] u need to buy our drinks