Me: Sex?
Wife: Sure.
Me: Really? Just like that?
Wife: Yep.
Me: …never mind.
I don’t know what she’s up to, but I don’t like it.
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Sometimes my views are right wing, sometimes left, it just depends where I’m sat on the airplane.
I don’t eat cats and dogs. Dogs are cute and I’m allergic to cats.
*my lawyer leans in and whispers in my ear*
Cats are also cute.
48 hr deodorant only lasts 8 hours. Welcome to my TED Talk.
You’ve just gotta remember, some things don’t work out so you can make room for the things that will.
If both don’t work out…eat a cake.
LEAVE ME ALONE GRANDMA I’M ENTERTAINING LITERALLY TENS OF PEOPLE ON THE INTERNET
Your case is very difficult to win. When I walk outside just follow me and run away
At the first signs of a sore throat you should be given the option of just skipping 4 days into the future
13: *shoulders slumped dramatically, walking away from me* NO ONE ELSE’S MOM still makes them clean their room in a pandemic!
Husband: Can I use your phone?
Me: *throwing phone in the ocean* My what?
Someone wished me a Happy Independence Day and I told him this is America, and we say Merry Christmas here, buddy.
*Runs 6 miles*
*Adds Kenyan to resume*
me: I believe it was Meatloaf who said two out of three ain’t bad
wife: YOU LEFT ONE OF OUR KIDS AT THE GROCERY STORE
*takes an exam in a coffin*
*passes*
I just learned that snails can sleep for 3 years at a time and it looks like I have a new spirit animal (sorry wombats)
Ralph thought she had a nerve to scream when she was the one trying to pee on him.
[In a meeting]
Chad: You look tired this morning, Liz.
Liz: *glares*
Me: *whispers* nobody can help you now, Chad.
When I was pregnant and people would ask where I was registered I’d reply:
Pet Smart, we’re crate training this one
Doctor: does mental illness run in your family?
Me: I do have an aunt that’s a morning person.
Me: You’re dumping me because I never listen and you’re gay!?
Boyfriend: …No. I said I’m dumping you because you never listen, have a nice day!
I had a beautiful pearl of wisdom to tweet but I dropped it on the ground and one of my dogs ate it. I should have it back in 12 hours or so
They grow up so fast. One day they are tiny babies, the next they are pulling out of the driveway, and you’re all “oh no oh god how did the toddler get the car keys???”
You: Cute kid. What’s his name?
Me: Kenwood.
You:
Me: I’m really into stereotypes.
People that whistle in public have at least one body buried in their backyard.
wife: maybe you should start working out again
me: [literally sweating from trying to open a can of pringles] why
My grandma used to tell me that video games were bad for me while she drank her gin in a cloud of unfiltered cigarette smoke in her home that was made solely out of asbestos.
Am I…are we… is this a date? *elevator opens & he leaves*
When I was in 1st or 2nd grade my teacher once incorrectly marked that I had misspelled the word “weird” on some schoolwork. Rather than looking it up in the dictionary to prove I was right, my parents had me bring in this coffeetable book of pulp magazine covers to show her.
Hey women, save your money, we just want you wrapped in a bow for Christmas. Wait, don’t even worry about buying the bow.
“LINES OF COKE” is the only acceptable answer to yell from the bathroom when someone asks you a stupid question like what are you doing in there
The waiter who’s drawn the short straw today steps up to my table with a gulp.
Him: Fresh Parmesan?
Me: MAKE IT RAAAAIN!