Manager: Your fired
Me: *You’re
Manager: How did you know I spelled it wrong if I spoke it out loud
Me: How did you know I corrected you
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ME: I like nerdy girls.
HER: Did you know vultures have smooth heads for easier penetration to the entrails of a carcass?
ME: Yes. Exactly like that.
Nothing says “I don’t take you seriously” like your dog wagging his tail when you are yelling at him.
Me: I’m a mature adult
Also me:
I still don’t unmute myself often on group calls at work, but my comically overt nodding game has never been stronger.
me: what are you doing
lawyer: [opening briefcase full of ham sandwiches] judges are more sympathetic to your situation after they eat
prosecutor: [opens briefcase full of meatball subs]
lawyer: aw dude you’re going to jail
Aging has caused me to need glasses. Glasses of beer. Glasses of wine. And glasses of bourbon.
After months of trying, I finally have a runner’s body. His shoes too. Also a really nice pair of headphones & his Fitbit. He was in shape.
I was just thinking “oh shoot I forgot something” and it came out as “oh fruit”
Hmm, not sure about this change
[at subway]
And just a little lettuce.
*the guy starts backing a truck full of lettuce toward my sandwich & the truck is beeping*
No wait.
Hello sweatpants my old friend, I’m going to dine in you again
the difference between me and humpty dumpty is that his friends looked at him and thought to themselves “we should put him back together”
*turns on alarm*
Alarm: I have a headache
Asked him his height and he’s been typing for 2 minutes 🤨
I like to do a task by worrying about it for three weeks and then finally dedicating 12 solid minutes to completing it.
That awkward moment when the person who just made the elevator notices you were holding the ‘close’ button
Coronavirus is a middle school friend who’s mad at you for some reason but won’t tell you why “because you should know why” & you’re ignoring it & trying to act cool but everyone can see you’re slope shouldered/sad & this metaphor has gotten away from me LARA TELL ME WHAT I DID.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the
courage to change the things I can,
and a really big sandwich. Big ol’ sandwich
In hindsight, I made two key mistakes on this family vacation:
1) Going on vacation
2) Taking my family
I haven’t been drinking.
I know what day it is.
I didn’t lose my pants.
This might be my car.
I know how to drive.-Lies I’ve told to cops.
If I close my eyes while my 3 year old pours her cereal I can hear the relaxing sound of thousands of Cheerios raining on the floor.
If you held a gun to my head and forced me to choose Tobey Maguire’s Spider-Man or Andrew Garfield’s, I’d probably shit my pants.
When speaking to children I always end every sentence with “…or else you’ll die. ” – I find this to be an excellent motivational tool.
do I regret it, Carol? Hell, I don’t even remember gretting it the first time!
If you’re happy and you know it…
Watch the news.
juries are sort of a bad idea idk… have you met 12 people ??
Cops: COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS WHERE WE CAN SEE THEM
Invisible Hands Adam: shit
8 asked if he could draw my face and was super proud of the result.
Unrelated, he now lives with a neighbour.
Dog: can i eat this?
Me: no i was just-
Dog: [swallowing] thanks