I was at a Hanukkah party at my uncle’s house and one of my cousins was like, “hey look it’s bitcoin” and held up a piece of gelt that he’d taken a bite out of
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I swear the Butterfly effect has seriously gone out of control this year.
me: *nervously approaching printer* h-hey there little guy.. kinda in a rush to print something
my printer: *territorial printer noises*
My husband and I are celebrating our “porcelain” anniversary in a few days. Sounds like someone is getting a new toilet this year.
me (putting a $10 bill on the bar): surprise me
bartender: no
me: … excuse me?
bartender (taking my money): you want anything else
it kind of looks like someone just took away their laptop
Beep beep
Beep beep beep
Beep beep
Beep
Beep beep beep beep
Road Runner and R2D2 having a conversation
I’m like the hottest girl on this elevator.
Never mind, someone else just got on.
“We don’t dry dishes, Mom, that’s air’s job” annoying kid logic that you’re secretly proud of.
Me: who’s a good dog? who’s a good dog?
Dog: i have a boyfriend
Dangerously attractive guitars get added to the sexy fenders register.
I hear my ex is now into cross dressing & looking for same. At least that’s what the Craigslist ad I just posted on his behalf says.
me: psst, wanna see a dead body
nurse at my first surgery: no
Dinner with Mom: Are these real people you’re talking about or are they from the internet?
ORANGUTAN ADOPTS THREE TIGER BABIES
An alien abduction but it’s just my kid shining a flashlight in my face in the middle of the night asking if I’m awake.
I was bored.
[At a child’s birthday party, holding a poorly taxidermied possum]
I heard someone likes stuffed animals!
The baby of our family starts school next week. When he was 4 years old in Pre-K he had 6 older siblings in the same school. He is now the last one standing, entering high school. I asked if he was nervous and he said, “It’s taken a decade but I’m finally my own man.”
He’s 14.
Devil worshipper leader: “Due to a typo we have summoned the wrong demon.”
Stan: “Hey there.”
My son ran away again, but it gets worse. I think this time he took the remote.
Houdini, running out of ideas: Watch and marvel as I escape from this predatory timeshare contract!
Hell is having a married couple tell you a story at the same time.
Me: I love pastry
Person on Twitter: I see that you like pastry and that’s fine but also I wondered if you ever knew that pastry was responsible for a murder in 1977 when someone set a sausage roll on fire which caused a fatality so you’re basically condoning murder here’s a link
my favorite part about fruit is when I run it under water for 3 seconds to convince myself it’s no longer covered in carcinogenic pesticides
“Wow, Dad, you had two beers and then ANOTHER ONE?!”
– My 3yo, auditioning for a new family.
Imagine meeting the man of your dreams…
and he says, “prolly.”
You think you have it rough, try driving with two Pringles cans on your hands
fellas is it gay to work construction? u need me to clean up a shaft?? ur gonna dump ur load where??? what size nuts do i have?? daddy chill i’m just here to werk
Why are dirty words only four letters. There should be at least one 19-letter word that’s so filthy you get grounded for a month.