cop: where were u between 7 and 8
me: third grade? idk
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*Computer crashes, I reboot it*
Computer: Windows was not shut down properly.
Me: Don’t put this on me, man.
“what if your employer sees how embarrassing you are on twitter” sir my employer sees first-hand how embarrassing i am every day
Sorry I forgot your birthday but I thought we’d stop being friends long before it got here.
I like to take long walks away from stupid people.
[Taken Nemo]
*Clam phone rings*
Marliam Neeson: I have a particular set of gills. I don’t know who you are, but I will find Nemo.
If anyone is thinking of fighting me, just know I cook bacon topless.
Listen google, it’s 2015. I need you to figure out who I’m talking about when I type “that one guy in that movie I didn’t like.”
Science: caffeine can cause sleep issues.
Me who drinks a ton of coffee: if only there was something I could do to improve my sleep.
Zoology should be spelled zooology but science isnt ready for that conversation yet
Me: Throw in a few extra this time.
Pharmacist: We’ve talked about this.
It’s very rare that a defibrillator fails
But when it does,
no one is shocked
*Magneto flapping his wrist frantically, trying to shake loose a fork stuck to his hand*
I’m so hungover. My sweat is pure tequila. A mosquito landed on me and now I think it’s drunk. It’s texting its ex.
THERAPIST: What do you wish for?
WIFE: That we become closer again & [smiles at me] focus on the important things
ME: For the dog to talk
Imagine the towering achievements in aquatecture if sawfish & hammerhead sharks ever get their shit together
I wish my seven-year-old daughter would stop using air quotes whenever she calls me “Dad.”
Wife: You’re shirtless?
*nods*
W: And covered in…oil?
-Well, you know how you always say I never glisten?
W: Listen. You never listen.
-Oh
[first day as a midwife]
ME: Keep pushing! I can see the head!
NURSE: You’re at the wrong end.
AMERICA:
Where someone will eventually figure out how to fry Vodka
DATE: …so that’s how I ended up at Harvard Law!
ME: Sometimes I make a fruit salad in my mouth by biting into different kinds of fruit LOL
[me as a tree in allergy season] HELLO I WOULD LIKE TO HAVE SEX WITH YOUR NOSE
We need to keep kids off drugs. It’s hard enough to find them without kids buying them too
Stranger: I’m calling from inside the house.
Me: *screams* Wait, do I have a landline?
The person who is your first and last thought of the day is either the one who has your heart, or who’s murder you’re secretly plotting.
Trying to motivate myself to go for a run, but it’s windy outside.
And outside.
“Can someone call me a doctor?!”
You’re a doctor.
“Please I’m losing my patience!”
You’re a terrible doctor.
him: I got a new tattoo
me: what is it
him (lifting his shirt): it’s a replica of my thermos from work
me (leaning in to feel it): does it hurt
him: don’t you dare touch the thermos tat
and that how I knew he would make an excellent dad
The me who snips coupons needs to communicate better with the me who walks into the stores.
“Pass the joint.”
-Cannibals at dinner
i’ve got a body like a sack of potatoes but a personality like a french fry