Just made an appointment with a cardiologist. Don’t be alarmed, I’m sure all my cardigans are fine. I just wanna make sure they fit.
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“Take me with you,” I whisper, palms pressed to the windowpane, watching the trash truck drive away.
Dear Restaurant Managers:
If more than 3 employees ask me how I’m enjoying my meal, I begin to wonder if you know something I don’t know.
Back in my day, we didn’t have apps to tell everyone where we were all the time
We had to actually work for it if we wanted to get murdered
Overheard: “My dad froze my account and I only had $4 in my pocket last night so I went to the Sunoco and bought 3 scratch offs and won $15 so guess who’s going out tonight”
It’s called a sports bra bc the actual sport is trying to get it off oneself after a hard workout.
This guy keeps buying me drinks and talking to me as if I’ll go home with him just because we’re married
God: And then let’s send in murder hornets
Angel: Wait, murder hornets? So they can’t go outside?
God: Not a big deal, they’re all quarantined because of Coronavirus
Angel: What if they end up allowed to go back outside?
God: Did you not just hear about the murder hornets?
Trees put cats in their hair so they can flirt with firefighters when they climb up them.
If any Disney execs are reading this, call me. I’ve got an idea for another Star Wars spin off. It’s called Paul Darth, Maul Cop.
My daughter turns 3 today. Due to our tight budget, we’re not telling her.
playing too much GTA. starting to see traffic as “options.”
I’m learning how to do weight training by lifting dogs. I picked up a few pointers yesterday
Everyone is fighting a battle (with goblins) that you know nothing about (because you failed a perception check)
me at 7: I wanna be a marine biologist when I grow up! That or a ninja, prolly both
me at 29: I don’t know how to wash dishes without getting my shirt all wet
My boyfriend said that I’m more than enough woman for him, and now I’m mad because I think he called me fat.
As I sail away from the Island of Lollipops, never to return, tears well in my eyes and I wave goodbye to each and every lollipop, the only friends I have ever known. “So long, suckers,” I whisper through trembling lips
milk crate challenge: get a WHOLE bunch of crates, absolutely FILL them with my shit, and HELP me move this weekend
*scrolls through Facebook on Mother’s Day*
me: EVERY SINGLE MOTHER CANNOT BE THE BEST MOTHER EVER. THAT’S NOT STATISTICALLY POSSIBLE. BESIDES, MY MOM IS.
fireworks, because firehasbillstopay
With the holidays upon us, please dont forget what they stand for. Family, friends & punching strangers at the mall because they cut in line
Lost my job at Tree Humpers anonymous for asking if everyone was ‘logged in’
I swallowed an ice cube yesterday and still haven’t pooped it out.
I’m getting really concerned.
General Lee didn’t have kids?
A parent Lee not.
Finally got my treadmill setup. I can start making excuses why I’m not using it starting tomorrow.
[after tee ball game]
Wife: we brought snacks for the kids.Me: [w/ mouthful of food] we did?!
My boyfriend and I are into role playing-I pretend to be hotter and skinnier and he pretends not to be a Nigerian teen in an Internet cafe .
I asked my neighbors to keep it down last night and they were like ma’am- it’s 5pm.
Wife: [Came back from hair salon] Are you not going to compliment me on my hair?
Me: So sorry! It’s a very nice cut! Good length on you.
Wife: I got highlights. Jack*ss.
What If When You Die They Ask You
“How Was Heaven?”
When a tough guy comes at me like “Hey! You want some of THIS?!” I’m scared, but also it’s like… thank you for asking, you know?