did… did they arrest the mountain lions
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It takes a big man to admit his mistakes. It takes a bigger man to fix them. It takes an enormous man to close down a Chinese buffet. High-5
My dog crosses her paws regally while lying on the floor, like she didn’t just eat the contents of the bathroom trash can.
Just tore seven ligaments trying to avoid being handed the phone by my wife.
Following the leaking of nude photo’s of Kim Kardashian, her personal assistant has been sacked for the delay.
Windbreakers only want one thing and it’s dis-gusting
Jewelry stores should just be like: Whether you’re trying to be nice or trying to get laid- we got you covered.
After so much bullshit the past few years this upcoming colonoscopy somehow feels political
I am officially old enough to have to put on glasses to find my pants
DENTIST: I need to test how sensitive you are
ME: Ok
DENTIST: You have a stupid haircut
ME *lip starts trembling*
DENTIST: I see
My friends went out for Vietnamese without me and now I have Phomo.
[dinner party]
*host clinks glass* “Everyone we’re having a baby”!
*whispers to other guest* “Oh come on! I told them I was a vegetarian.”
For once I’d like to be referred to as The Chosen One but not when I’m being identified in a police lineup.
[forgetting the word unfrosted]
do you have any khaki flavored Pop-Tarts
If you apologize and someone says “you’re fine” they want to kill you
I miss phone booths both as a source of loose change and also as protection against attacking seagulls
I thought I found a baby owl today that needed help. He was an adult pigmy owl who let me pick him up then clawed and bit me. He is free now
9YO: What will we be watching for the the family movie night
Me: Hang on, give me a…
7YO *sighs*: … We’ll be watching daddy play 24 trailers and then fall asleep
Deli counter guy told me bad things happen in 3’s after he dropped his phone and bumped his head, so I complained about him to management.
Our parents were right all along, the music is too loud.
FYI, you don’t have to be a waiter in order to go in a restaurant and wander from table to table asking people, “How’s everything tasting”
Person: “I can’t believe I’ve been sitting for two hours.”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “Amateur.”
[slips wedding dj a 5] got any korn
the buddha: *on twitter* how dreadful. the karmic damage from this will greatly prolong your suffering in the cycle of rebirth
me: a lot of people are saying that
Parents, talk to your kids about drugs. Teach them organic chemistry. Obtain a research grant. Put big pharma out of business together
Hub: When was your first kiss
Me: July 4th 1978 I kissed Brent under the fireworks
Hub: Didn’t you have a frog named Brent
Me: I hate you
My son just asked me to buy a book for school that he needs to read by tomorrow.
Now I need to go hide all my procrastination awards before I yell at him for procrastinating.
SON: The car’s manual suggests not to turn the stereo up all the way.
DAD: Guess you could say-
SON: NO DON’T-
DAD: -that’s sound advice.
Someone stole my car’s steering wheel.
I just can’t handle it anymore.
Sorry I hit you with my car over and over… but you kept getting up.