*Takes ex girlfriend’s poem on Antiques Road Show*
Sir these are worthless
*Winks at camera*
Told you Karen!
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Me: *grimaces, accepts call*
Mother: You never visit, I could have fallen, I can’t find that stupid cane, and my hemorrhoids are KILLING me!
Me: Meow
“old Victorian houses are charming”
I AM WEARING THREE SWEATSHIRTS AND TWO PAIRS OF PJ PANTS UNDER TWO BLANKETS AND I AM STILL SO FRIGGEN COLD RIGHT NOW OK SO CHARMING CAN ***K RIGHT OFF
Slept with my makeup and now my pillow looks like the shroud of Revlon.
It’s weird that Usher doesn’t have ANY songs about showing people to their seats…
Wait just one second … Brits don’t have outlets in their bathrooms? It’s illegal?? How do you charge your phone? Dry your hair? Prep your electric razor? Watch tv? Toast your PopTarts?
I take back every tweet I’ve ever written bashing autocorrect. Tonight my husband brought home beers instead of beets and I don’t know the last time I was this happy.
No one told me we would be forced to eat brussel sprouts at that haunted house.
brain: cactus.
me: ok.
brain: touch it.
me: but it’s sharp.
brain: i know but HOW sharp.
sorry boys, but I’ve already got my eyes on a guy who’s not interested
You can tell how much it’s going to cost you by the way your teenager sounds:
Mum! = £2 for an ice cream
Muuuum 🙂 = £50 for pointless trainers
Hello mummy, you look pretty today = remortgage the house
🎶Summer lovin’, had me a blast
Summer lovin’ is especially sweaty🎶
I imagine if I had a job doing manual labor, I’d be in great shape.
Then I do 15 minutes of manual labor and reality comes back into focus.
To all the “cougars” out there, shame on you for not calling yourselves “Thundercats” shame. on. you.
Failed long-term relationships are never a total waste. They teach you valuable life skills, like how to carve profanity into car paint.
I’ve just been wearing a towel for 5 days so everyone thinks I showered.
There’s a button on this hotel phone that says, “Pizza”.
I may never leave.
Reporter: How do you feel that your proposal was turned down by Congress?
Obama: Well, I’ve alw–
Biden: [grabs mic] TURNED DOWN FOR WHAT?
*pulls lighter from bra*
*lights smoke*Where’s the shit you made me at school?
Don’t trust anyone that orders a Medium Pizza….
Fun game: Order food to be delivered to your mobile home and then lead the delivery driver on a high-speed chase through town.
Son: What IS it?
Daughter: Dunno. Maybe a possum?
S: Should it be that color?
D: Try poking it.
Me: I’M NEVER COOKING FOR YOU GUYS AGAIN.
Never once in my life have I found a pen when I need it, so please explain to me why my toddler always has a pen in her hands.
Me: Shhhhh. Keep it quiet…I’ll slip out of bed and find you around 3:00 am.
Leftover Pie:
Me gasping and flipping off the vultures as they circle above the running track
You think cannonballs scream ‘humans’ right before they land in water
How do I feel about your goatee? I shave every part of my legs except the knees, how do you feel about that?
*First day as a spy*
Boss: Did you bug the Russian Embassy?
*flashback to me ringing the doorbell and running away over & over*
Me: Ohhh yeh
My husband surprised me by inviting his new boss and wife for dinner so I surprised them with an icebreaker of mocktails and Cards Against Humanity
[Interrogation room]
Me: *throws chair at wall* TALK
Chair: OK OK…the beast keeps the rose in his chambers
Don’t try take your pants off while walking down stairs.
Lesson learned