A revolving door is an IQ test you can fail in public.
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I’m as clever as the person who named bagpipes
4-year-old: Can you hold my rubber ducky?
Me: *takes the ducky* Why?
4: I dropped it in the toilet.
Let’s not buy them two of all the same toys we said.
It’ll teach them to share, we said.
We are idiots.
me: I heard this cemetery was haunted
caretaker: I’ve worked here 173 years and haven’t seen anything weird
guy: what should we call our ritual for contacting the dead
shawn: a shawnce
sean: I have a better idea
I’m not like all those other girls
*regurgitates a seagull*
You never feel shorter than when you’re standing on a step stool with half your body in the washing machine and you’re using the tongs you used to make lamb loin chops to grab your socks from the bottom of the washer.
What I like about humanity is that certain mustaches are more evil than others, and everyone basically agrees on which ones are which.
My microwave broke. So, we’re finding innovative alternatives. Did y’all know the surface on top of the oven heats up, too? Honest to God.
I’m not afraid to go to prison I really need a vacation
You should be my grillfriend. Not a typo, girl. You’re hot enough to cook meat on.
Today іs a Cіvіc Holіday іn Canada. Аpparently up there they lіke to commemorate the іnventіon of the Honda Cіvіc.
🤷🏽♀️🤦🏽♀️😩
Daughter: This is a long movie preview.
Me: You’re a long movie preview. I’ve been raising you 17 years and still no movie.
Just had to persuade my child to eat something delicious because children.
If I let you into my life, I am either emotionally invested or you are a grilled cheese sandwich.
Don’t waste electricity. Would you
like it if I turned you on and walked
away?
How’s homeschooling going?
I just failed grade 5 math.
Again.
I walk around my yard with a fake teardrop tattoo so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids.
hi friends- for the new year I’m taking a break from life so I can focus on social media. if you need me you can find me here, constantly
My walk of shame is just me leaving a party trying to hide a Tupperware container of leftover cake under my hoodie.
I’m pretty certain the inventor of the ball gag was someone who had just had sex with a loud talker
When a celebrity dies, who’s the helpful psychopath that immediately changes all the “is”s to “was”s on their Wikipedia page?
Me: 🙂
Facial recognition: nope, don’t see it
Me: 😐
Facial recognition: noooo?
Me: 🤨
Facial recognition: no
Me: 😒
Facial recognition: mayyybe??? nvm, no
Me: 🥴
Facial recognition: THERE YOU ARE
Put the spoiled milk back in the fridge and hope it gets better.
– What I think when I hear someone is getting back together with an ex.
I wish I could feed people I don’t like to my cat.
Do you have FB?
No
Do you have Twitter?
No
Instagram?
No
What do you have?
A life.
…
…
Can I have it?
No. I need it to play Candy Crush.
Sometimes I pick another language on the ATM to see if I can make it all the way thru.
So I’m still broke, but now also in French.
Teacher: this is an E
Kid: what if it’s an F behind an L
T: no it’s just an E
K: how can u be sure
[3 am]
T: *wide awake* how can u be sure
tfw you’re leaving the party but nobody notices