So aliens build high-tech spacecraft & travel thousands of light years just to give random people colonoscopies?
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(To the pilot as I’m getting off the plane) Yeah right here is good.
Do regular squirrels think flying squirrels are super heroes??!
cashier: how’d you like to pay for this
me: not at all
every time the weather starts to warm up those fraps start lookin goooood
[standing at your brisket smoker with a baggie of hot dogs] “Would you cook these for me?”
[first date]
me: so, what’s your biggest fear?
her: snakes. i hate snakes
me: (whispering to the mongoose in my vest pocket): she’s the one
You: I’m so hard on myself.
People on the internet: Hold my beer.
I’m still writing “Slovakia” on all my Czechs.
(you can unfollow me at anytime)
Your skull is only a centimeter thick and other reassurances.
[before sex]
me: wait have you been tested
him: yea my cholesterol is a little high
Me on a dinner date: be cool, be cool, be cool…..
*dips cookie in barbecue sauce
“You take pills because you’re crazy”
“No MOM, I take pills because they make me tolerant of crazy people that don’t take pills”
My Fitbit thanked me for not making him work nearly as hard as the other Fitbits.
My son started school today. I’m excited to meet all the new illnesses he’ll be bringing home this fall.
Listening to the snow getting plowed outside my window and so jealous
I could see how 2 deaf guys arguing would appear to be gang related.
Neighbor just yelled at me for playing in his sprinkler.
Note to self, I should wear clothes next time.
if you ask your child what the magic word is and they say ‘please’ then i guess well done. but if their eyes become blackholes and they speak in ancient mysterious rhymes then also well done and good luck
How long before customers start noticing that the grill marks on their paninis were drawn on with a felt pen?
Turn ons include knobs, faucets, buttons, handles, cranks, and ignitions.
doctor: what seems to be the problem
me: it seems like u should be telling me
One of the more important commas I’ve seen in a long time…
Honey we’re having guests tonight, break out the fine jina
*after accidentally dropping my phone off a cliff and directly into a vat of grape jelly, hosing it down, then dropping it again onto a highway where it gets stampeded by a herd of elephant, picking it up and trying to reply to a text*
ugh, I don’t know why my phone’s being weird
I’m lost & peeing on the side of the road in the middle of nowhere, just wish this bear who’s about to kill me gave me a little more privacy
SCIENTIST: Let’s name this spider Long Legs, for its long legs
SCIENTIST 2: Hmm not kinky enough
[Bed]
Her: Can you turn off the lights?Me: Watch this! *claps loudly*
Her: um your clapper isn’t wor-
*my monkey butler hurries in & turns off the light*
Her *softly* holy shit
“This is mine”, he growled passionately into her ear. “Are we clear?”
Breathlessly, she agreed. She wouldn’t try to eat his nachos again.
Will I still enjoy it if I haven’t seen Shepherd’s Pie 1-5?