Don’t buy a belt at the zoo, it’s just a snake trying to escape.
You Might Also Like
*at the gym*
Trainor: Have a donut.
Me: Wow! Sure!
T: Here’s some pizza.
M: What kind of trainer are you?
T: I’m a Megan Trainor.
Call me old-fashioned, but I believe marriage should be between a person who hates pickles and another person who will eat that pickle.
if you’re hiding from a deranged killer and forget to put your phone on silent, at least make the ringtone the benny hill theme.
Me: This has been the worst day. Nothing can fix this.
*dog climbs on sofa, puts head in my lap*
M: I have never been happier in my life.
Mrs. Potato Head: OH MY GOD!
Mr. Potato Head: What?
Mrs. PH: Your browser history.
Mr. PH: I can explain!
Mrs. PH: TATER TOTS YOU PERVERT?!?
The fact that Mitt Romney opted to see Twilight instead of Lincoln this weekend probably sums up what his presidency would’ve been like.
So when my coupled friends ask me how dating is going, is it appropriate for me to ask how their marriage/relationship is going or is that aggressive?
If Wile E. Coyote really wanted to destroy the Road Runner, he should have just proposed.
Principal: Your son is a gamer
[Parents are visibly shaken]
Principal: Oops, wrong kid. Actually yours is on drugs.
Parents: OH THANK GOD
I just heard someone refer to Texas as “Howdy Arabia” and I still haven’t stopped laughing.
[at subway]
And just a little lettuce.
*the guy starts backing a truck full of lettuce toward my sandwich & the truck is beeping*
No wait.
I’m always a stone’s throw away from my children. I have the forehead bruise to prove it.
You know you’re getting old when the kids start referring to your savings as their inheritance.
Him: Im just going to grab a quick beer with Tod after the gym, it shouldn’t take long.
Brain: that seems reasonable, you are not even gonna be home.
Hormones: tell him you hope he lives happily forever after with Tod.
When people introduce a statement with “Not gonna lie,” it fills me with confidence in their honor and commitment to veracity.
The last time I danced at a party, someone told me I looked like a wildebeest on a frozen lake.
Our elf hasn’t moved in 4 nights. Daughter asked if he was in a coma
2022 will be better than 2021
Don’t know how to delete tweets so please just disregard the one earlier in which I claimed to have “definitely broken the world land speed record” by running very fast down the hill near my house. I have since looked it up and I accept that I underestimated the current record
I wear my 5k tshirt as proof of the day I exercised
HER: my water broke
ME: [looking at my ice cream scoop on the ground] we all have our issues
dutch is not a serious language
[First day as a beaver]
Me: Dam.
The sun isn’t even up yet but this seems like a good time to start yelling at the top of my lungs trying to find a girlfriend.
– birds
Tapping a clown on the shoulder and saying, “Tag, you’re IT,” is a great way to die.
Apparently, “I’m not circumventing your authority, I’m just trying to get around it”, was not the answer HR was looking for.
not to brag but once I was flirting with this girl and a day later she got back with her ex
No love I have for someone could ever be strong enough to make me think it was appropriate to stand side-by-side with them on an escalator
My husband asked me yesterday what I would do with my time if money was no object, and apparently “buy out a Target and sit on top of my hoard like a manic-depressive dragon” was an incorrect response so idk.
Anyone have a recipe for chocolate covered strawberries?