If you’ve seen one shopping centre, you’ve seen a mall.
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Cop: I saw you fly through that intersection
Me: the light was green
Flight attendant: that’s not why he’s mad
and now we wait
I’m now starting to think CNN took the plane.
Wife: *spreads picnic beneath large oak tree*
Me: No good
Wife: Why not?
Me: Seems shady
Wife: *attacks me with plastic cutlery*
Can’t sleep because I keep finding exciting opportunities to get pissed off.
3: mom, you got a chicken I can use?
When I’m in a bathroom stall, please don’t yell “Oh my God oh my God there’s a guy in here!” Respect my privacy.
3-year-old: Where do people go when they die?
Me: Heaven.
3: I don’t want to go there.
Me: Why not?
3: It’s full of dead people.
Take a selfie with me one last time
-the sign on my casket
Vodka is the quickest way to teleport. You just have to be prepared to wake up naked to an unknown location with another teleporter.
Just because you’ve never met a time traveler doesn’t mean there aren’t any. Those idiots probably all got eaten by dinosaurs
me: do you have these but in the pretzel version
pet store employee: sir please put all the goldfish back into the tank
Welcome to your 40’s. Quality pens turn you on now.
If you haven’t tried blindfold archery you should give it a go, you don’t know what you’re missing.
detective: lot of mysterious break ins lately
chief: anything we can do?
detective: sure, lock homes
When you msg me @ 9:30am w/ just “Morning,” don’t be shocked when I wait till 12:00pm & respond w/ “Noon.”
Seriously, what did ya expect?
Canadians leaving south for vacation are like Americans escaping marriage, desperately trying to escape frigid temperatures…
me: i know people call you a rescue, but, honestly, you rescued me
stale doughnut i pulled out of the trash:
Remember folks 😂
saw a post asking “would you rather wear a fedora every second for the rest of your life, or every beverage you drink for the rest of your life has 2 drops of pee in it” and i thought the answer was obviously pee until i said this out loud to another person and saw their face
*hands cashier $100 bill
“Ya have anything smaller?”
*crumbles up $100 bill and hands it to cashier
My cat acts like he took a life insurance policy out on me and he’s the benefactor.
God: *reading from clipboard* The snout on the elephant isn’t working so we need to replace it before release.
Angel: One step ahead of you!
God: What did you do?!
Elephant: Quack
My resume is just an old VHS tape of the “Life Goes On” episode where Corky lip syncs “Fight the Power” for his school’s talent show.
If anyone asks me about a movie, I say I only go to movies for the popcorn.
I dunno when it stopped, but I’m kinda pissed that no one celebrates and gives me a sticker when I shit anymore
The worst thing about that mime stealing my woman was when he silently laughed at me
My daughter says people on Facebook are warning to not post about your hairdresser if they make a house call because they’ll lose their license. I imagine vigilante beauticians using the cover of night to sneak out and fight dead ends and gray roots using their capes as…capes.
It’s unfortunate that our feet can’t taste things because there’s so much potential in flavored socks and crocs.
WIFE: He wanted me to lay these coins over his eyes at his funeral
FRIEND: Seems like a waste of chocolate