Friend: What’s it like living in a large family?
Me: It’s like the tv show Survivor except we’re all related.
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I have two sisters. One sent me a package with tinsel filler and a glitter card. Now I have one sister.
*God creating the rhino*
God: How’d the unicorn thing go?
A: There were problems.
G: What?
A: We got an angry spiked cow.
G: Close enough.
Wouldn’t that be a cool twist if World War 3 turned out to be a U.S.-Russia thing after all? “So retro!”, you’d think as you were vaporized.
I’m concerned that some of you are experts in your fields of employment.
when the waiter comes by to see how the food tastes and I’m not ready
April 1st is the class clown of days.
Crouching tiger, public toilet seat.
I carry dental floss with me at all times because you never know when you’re going to need to garrotte a co-worker.
[Olympic Swimming]
CANADIAN ANNOUNCER: I feel bad for the water look how hard they’re kicking it.
Those stupid stress balls don’t work!!!… I just ate one, and it got stuck in my throat… And now, I’m more stressed than before!!!
[god creating the beetle]
what if a bee and a turtle had sex
*adds alone time to my Amazon wishlist*
I’ll photoshop my youngest into old pics just to make him stop crying about not being a part of the family before he was born.
Marriage,
Or as I like to call it;
The wonder yearsWonder why she is mad this time
Wonder why my stuff is on the lawn
cop: COME OUT WITH UR HANDS UP
me: NEVER
cop: THIS IS UR LAST CHANCE
me: YOU’LL NEVER TAKE ME ALIVE
cop:
me:
cop: WE HAVE PUPPIES OUT HERE
me: FOR REAL THIS TIME?
When you’re cruising down the highway of life, and glance over to see bumper to bumper traffic on the other side of the highway, only to find out that you’re actually going in the wrong direction
My family went camping & left me home alone, like I’d be missing out.
Oh please, don’t leave me home with electricity & running water.
Arguing w him is like playing Pictionary w/ the person who draws one weird little shape and just keeps circling it over and over and over.
I wasn’t agreeing, I was nodding off.
Date: Do you want to go upstairs?
Me: Sure.
Date: Do you have any protection?
Me: Who’s up there?
Me: My Amazon order arrived!
Him: What did you get?
Me: *scratches behind dragon’s ears* Nothing important.
Him: New happy pills?
Me: Maybe.
My gynecologist sent me a refund check for $18.70. I don’t know what it’s for but I feel like I need to be offended.
I forgot my earphones this morning and for a moment I thought wouldn’t it be great if my audio book had subtitles
6yo: Newton discovered gravy
Me: gravity, he discovered gravity.
6yo: what’s that?
Me: it’s what stops you floating off into space
6yo: *sadly* he should have stuck with the gravy
Tractor: ‘Let’s get to work.’
Detractor: ‘Let’s not get carried away.’
I’m like a semicolon; most people don’t know what to do with me.
me: WTF all the shelves are empty
sales guy: yeah this is Ikea
[hotel room]
Her: why are you making the bed
Me: I can’t have housekeeping thinking we’re slobs, Karen
Finally watched Pulp Fiction with my kid, but fast forwarded thru the parts she’s not ready for… best 27 seconds we’ve spent together recently.
If these origami self defence classes have taught me anything, it’s…. well it’s how to make a paper goose actually, I think i’ve been had