I just did yoga. No wait, yogurt.
You Might Also Like
Shoe store employee on phone w/ wife: “Yea honey I should be home just in time for dinner”
*centipede walks in*
“You’ve got to be kiddin me”
Trapped on a train in the snow, and honestly, none of these people look appetizing.
Garlic and bread is the only marriage I truly have faith in.
Finding out that the majority of microplastics come from tire dust should be a call to rethink our push for electric cars, and consider the environment-friendly potential of moving castles
do you guys realize there’s a planet in our solar system entirely inhabited by robots
my lawyer wants me to turn myself into the police but I keep telling him impersonating a cop is what got me into trouble in the first place
“any questions for Mr. deGrasse Tyson?”
[I knock over an old woman while sprinting to the mic]
HOW DOES AIR CONDITIONING WORK IN SPACE?
they finally got him. they got macavity
“Well this is silly”
– me describing a window sill
Find you a woman that looks at you the way my ex wife looked at my best friend, his brother, my stepdad, my bother-in-law, a handful of her coworkers, a group of bikers at the local bar that one time, that one dude who lived in the apartment above us…
Me: *hands her a pitri dish I’ve cultivated over several months*
Her: what’s this?
Me: You said you wanted multiple organisms
[mid to late 13th century]
me: [slowly pushes a cannon into a bank] “everybody listen up this is a robbery”
I live in fear that my death will somehow be connected to the opening of a pressurized Pillsbury cinnamon roll container.
I have a great story to tell u.
“Why don’t u just go write a book”
Wow, that’s-
“Don’t u dare say it-”
a novel idea.
“I’m moving out”
In the future I will replace my feet with chainsaws after accidentally cutting them off with my chainsaw hands.
Sometimes people disagree with you and they’re like: “Read a book!” But like…any book? They can’t ALL prove your point.
nothing turns on a necrophiliac detective like cold, hard evidence
My daughter made a new best friend, Mike, at summer camp. My best friend’s name is also Mike. Last night I told my wife I was meeting Mike out for a beer and my daughter exclaimed, “MY FRIEND MIKE?!?” Yes, I’m having drinks with a preschooler, then we’re getting matching tattoos.
Nothing freaks out people like unblinking eye contact in a public restroom.
Especially when you do it from underneath the stall divider.
Cannibals don’t drink coffee.
They have a cup of Joe instead.
Good: Waking up every day
Bad: in 2020
Him: How close is the storm?
Me: Let me check
*laptop blows away*
Pretty close.
Ok, ok, here’s the plan. When Bezos goes into space we move the planet so he can’t find us anymore.
It never worked for my parents but we’re talking some much further distance here.
Me texting a friend: I miss you!
Friend: I miss you! What are you doing this weekend? Let’s hang out!
Me: . . .
(one week later)
Me: I miss you!
I brought a load of laundry into the living room to fold, and my husband said, “You do this every day. I’m onto you. You just want to take a break.” So, anyway, in lieu of flowers please make a donation to the charity of your choice.
If Facebook changed “poke” to “stab” I would use it all the time.
I’m going to need a list of snacks that will be there before I show up.
The ways printers are like kids:
1. Need feeding
2. Are noisy
3. Can’t function when offline
I walked into a room full of men and they couldn’t stop staring at me.
Oh…wrong toilets.
How to numbers:
1: good job!
2: you’re doing it!
7: uhoh
#: that’s not even a number
🐴: wtf?
B: what are you doing?