Me: Damn, there is no better feeling than skin on skin
store employee: Sir, you…you know you know you have to buy that pack of chicken now right?
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Me: I’m going for a walk
Wife: Huh! I thought you were going to make fried rice?
Me: Yes, but you said to cook that right, I’ll need to use a walk
CANADIAN: Let’s watch a movie
AMERICAN: Have you seen Titanic?
CANADIAN: What’s that about?
AMERICAN: Yes, it was. A huge one that sank
You are the pebble in my shoe of people.
*points to wrist* this is my Fitbit.
*points to rest of body* this is my fatbit.
One of our insect keepers said she had butterflies in her stomach but she didn’t seem all that nerv-SONOFA!
If he says I love you and you’re not ready to say it back, just say “I know.” He’ll think you’re being cute and quoting Star Wars. Win-Win.
Jesus saves. Often. Because even he knows Microsoft Word is a piece of shit.
First date idea.
Pick your favorite pizza place, and send one to my house.
I have a book called Overcoming Procrastination that I bought in 2003 that I’ve never read
If there’s a zombie apocalypse, I’m becoming a zombie.
Walking around doing nothing & eating non-stop seems like a pretty sweet deal to me.
Breaking news:
*guitarist breaks guitar*
HELL YEAH
*drummer throws drums*
YES YES
*singer stabs a bunch of guys*
OH MY GOD
*bassist plants a bomb*
STOP
*learns all Froot Loops are the same flavor regardless of color*
*sighs*
*sadly deletes 583 page PhD thesis*
I don’t consider it a good night out if it doesn’t end up as a super villain’s origin story
Hell hath no fury like 2 parties who each think they have booked the conference room for the day.
I’m just a girl, standing in a public restroom, begging someone, anyone, to install better ventilation
My only chance at a big house in the country is if I become a rescue dog
I’m not saying I’m a hero, but I did just give a bottle of wine mouth to mouth.
It didn’t make it.
Tried to type “I’m on my way” and autocorrect changed it to “I’m in my way” and that is probably way more accurate.
why was 6 mad when 7 won her a stuffed elephant? because 7 1 1 4 9 2
One cake enters. No cake leaves.
Is the economy struggling? Have you tried telling it to work harder and cut back on luxuries?
*whispers to dog wearing a ‘working dog, do not pet’ vest*
psst what time does your shift end?
[brings Kevin Bacon to a knife fight]
[Kevin Bacon gets foot stuck in a drain]
[Kevin Bacon’s about to drown]
[Everybody cuts foot loose]
We have moved and we are trying this thing of living with minimal furniture. So if you need me I am leaning against the bathtub so that I can put on some pants furniturelessly.
Here lies a mother, her struggle was valiant but in the end the laundry pile was too big and she couldn’t claw her way out
holiday horror movie idea: you have 10 days to complete a completely reasonable task that takes 20 minutes to do
I never took a drama class but everyone at this birthday believes that I love this gluten free cake.