I shouted at my kid so he told me I wasn’t his best friend anymore and, honestly, I was gobsmacked I had even been in the running.
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me irl
What would aliens say if told that Earthlings shift clocks by an hour to fool themselves into thinking there’s more sunlight
The only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the street the crap is placed.
Surfing is a good choice for people who like skateboarding but wish it had more sharks.
I had my demons exercised and they became quite large and intimidating demons, so I guess spelling is nine tenths of the law of possession.
Me: I’m smart!
Also me: That is the weirdest looking otter I’ve ever seen!
Hubs: That’s because it’s a seal
You can pick your friends, you can pick your nose, you can cry when the girl you used to babysit gets engaged before you do.
Accordion to research, 9 out of 10 people don’t notice when you replace words with random musical instruments.
That’s disgusting! Where did you learn to do that?! Don’t wipe boogers on Mommy’s pillow!
Wipe it on Daddy’s
During sex
Me: Go deeper
Him: *Stares in the horizon* Imagine living in a world without wars
My wife is mocking me because I declared that going to the grocery store was a date night
Her: You secretly think you’re the most clever one in the room, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
If you love someone:
1. Set them free
2. Drunk dial them
3. Read too much into their FB posts
4. Make them feel sorry for you
5. Die alone
I’ve tried playing Jenga with children. But it’s so much easier using the little wooden blocks.
To the thief who stole my self-cloning machine, how can you live with yourself??
[husband opening refrigerator]
Me: “What are you looking for?”
Him: “I don’t know, but I’m sure we don’t have it”
The police never think its as funny as you do.
General Anesthesia implies the existence of Major Anesthesia.
*calls ex wife three weeks after the divorce* what kind of yogurt do I like?
Judge: I’m disappointed to see you back in my courtroom.
Defendant: I’m disappointed to see you back in my courtroom.
J: Stop that.
D: Stop that.– repeat offenders
If you are really good at comedy you can make $250 writing for a multimillionaire.
[at a football game]
my kid: can i get a giant foam finger
me: no
my kid: why not
me: because you already ate three of them at halftime
Your eyes may say yes, but your eyebrows are screaming “I will boil your bunny the minute you ignore me!”
I’m not saying I have a drinking problem I’m proving it.
MOM [introducing us by our musically themed names]: this is our daughter Lyric, this is our other daughter Melody and this is our son *points at me* Sad Trombone
<gets pulled over>
Officer- What’s making all that noise in your trunk?
Me- My feelings. I’m trying to dispose of them properly.
Once I’ve made up my mind about something, there’s no stopping me
from second guessing myself.
My 11 has all these girls texting him, and I’m so worried about him growing up too fast. I check his search history and I see “how to convince my mom to let me get a parakeet.”
I think I’m good.
*rings bell*
“Can I help you?”
Yes I’d like a dragon on my back an-
*starts pooping on a crucifix*
WTF? *checks sign on door*
“Taboo Artist”
My girlfriend and I started dating after her car ran into mine.
We met by accident