I give new meaning to the word “awesome.”
At least I did when I changed the Wikipedia entry.
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Messaging my hair person to make an appointment for sometime in the week and finding out they are now based in the UK….
Every once in a while I’ll be driving while not eating and think, “Wow, this is way easier.”
How are there more Canadians on Twitter than in Canada?
Any bar is a karaoke bar if you’re drunk enough.
Seeing a stuffed deer head on a wall makes me imagine its legs in the next room, just flailing around wildly.
me: Should I pack condoms?
wife*laughs*
me*driving*
wife*still laughing*
me*checks into the hotel*
wife*calls friend so they can both laugh*
Person having heart attack: do you know cpr?
Me: no *pulling out phone* are they on spotify?
“Daddy, what happens when we die?”
“You get married and have kids”
If I owned a roofing business, I’d call it What in Tar Nation or We’ve Got Shingles or We’re Not Eavesdropping or We Are the Leaders or We Gotchu Covered or
“That’s what” – She
*i before e except after c.
Unless you’re an 8yo heir planning a heist to seize a surveillance sleigh owned by a sheik at a reindeer farm.
Noah
4: Let’s hunt turkeys, Daddy.
Me: How do we do that?
4: Put up a big sign that says, “Come here, Turkeys!”
I might be raising Elmer Fudd.
imagine being born on january 1st, you gotta wait a whole year just for it to be your birthday lol
When in doubt, just do the opposite of whatever the person wearing pajamas in public is doing.
[arriving at the international space station]
other astronaut: so how are things down there
me: a bit chafed tbh
Don’t name your car. It’s not a boat. Don’t name your boat either.
Donald Trump says he’ll open up secret 9/11 files. Miley Cyrus says she’ll flee the country if Trump is elected. Connect the dots, people.
OFFICE CHRISTMAS PARTY
BOSS: I don’t know you. Do you work here?
ME: *sips wine* No.
HIM: So your wife does?
ME: *sips his wine* Again no.
Everyone has that one vegetable that brings up memories of an ex
cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
me: I’m not psychic, Craig
cop: my name is Greg
me: I work at Starbucks
I read through all of What To Expect When You’re Expecting and it did nothing to prepare me for the day my teenager started calling me ‘bro’
*a guy sneezes*
*i scramble to put on a fake mustache*
“BLESS YOU”
*rolls eyes* thanks kyle *deep sigh* youre a–
“IM A BLESSING IN DISGUISE”
My friend’s 6-year-old was being obnoxious.
The mature thing to do was to tell him to settle down.
I challenged him to a rap battle.
Attractive person: Hi.
Me: Is this some kind of sick joke?
A conversation with your ex is a great way to clear the air, set aside hard feelings, and remind yourself why you drink.
Find a man who strokes your hair and says how soft it is and doesn’t even care that it’s on your legs.
my girlfriend and i are having a big fight bc i think the toys from Toy Story are immortal and she thinks they can die
Is this you?
I’m no expert on bangs but I assume they’re not supposed to make you look like you have a raccoon stapled to your forehead