Wanna hear a construction joke?
I’m working on it.
You Might Also Like
I won $6 on a scratch-off last night. Out of my way, peasants!
Me: a calm, methodical Navy SEAL when I clog my own toilet
Also me: a terrified, incapable, frozen idiot when I clog yours
Telling someone “You are not alone” can be either extremely comforting or absolutely creepy depending on the context.
Love it when people who don’t eat sushi cringe and ask, “isn’t that just raw fish?”
Like the waiter is going to bring you a bucket of trout heads and feed you like a seal.
Why is it called taking a shit and not de-deucing?
Laying down some rules for my surfer gf… when she tells her friends why I won’t go in the water I want her to explain that I’m scared of the size of the ocean, and not just say “He’s scared” without elaborating
It’s the last month of school, here are 97 activities in the middle of the day parents need to attend.
-elementary schools
Interviewer: It says here on your resume that you are an overachiever. Care to elaborate?
Me: I’m 35 but my body already feels like it’s 65.
Got McDonald’s today and when I was handed my soda the cup inexplicably cracked and spilled all over me so sometimes I really wonder if my ancestors offended a witch.
me: *notices the dog sleeping at my feet, slowly and carefully does the splits to get off the couch without waking her up*
dog: *instantly on her feet* I’ll get my leash
Me: Is there anyone who is dead to me right now that wants to talk?
Him: I’m right here!
Me, moving planchette across Ouija board: I M S O R R Y
Him: That’s not what I said
Me, moving planchete:
I W A S W R O N G
If I could be any super hero I’d be The Flash, but instead of wearing his costume I’d wear a trench coat. Same name, different purpose.
Just accidentally spilled my cat’s food all over the floor and his reaction was…. a lot 😂
[doctor’s office]
DOCTOR: I have good news and bad news
ME: what’s the good news
D: that’s for someone else; sorry, doctor-patient confidentiality
It’s funny how my doorbell starts working when I’m expecting a pizza delivery.
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a ‘closed’ sign on a pizzeria door.
It’s so cold, my dentures are chattering as they soak.
“This place couldn’t possibly get any messier!”
TODDLER: “Hold my bear.”
Me (standing on top of my kitchen island): I CANT SWIM!!!!
I finally figured out the moral of Beauty and the Beast: Sure,Gaston had good looks. But the Beast had shitloads of money.Good choice, Belle
If the Earth is only 5000 years old, how do you explain Cher?
1st date:
(don’t let her know how self centered you are)Me: what’s your favorite thing that I’ve said so far tonight?
I was going to have sex with you, but you asked what Mario Kart was and wore pants inside the pillow fort….I’m just kidding. I don’t care.
*carpools to work*
Damnit Karen can you just match the windshield wiper setting to the frequency of raindrops
If I eat healthy today then I can have one piece of candy as a reward. If I eat unhealthy, then I can have the whole bag.
My Car would not run, neighbor said it was a problem with the stringy thing..Took it to a Quantum Mechanic and he disagreed w string theory
me: they’re all so cute but i don’t know if i can take one away from its mother and siblings
pumpkin patch employee: ok
I got fired from being the events coordinator at the local orphanage. I think it’s cause family day never really took off
never ask a starfish for directions
I ran into a wall today. Literally, not in my writing. The writing is going well for once, so I guess that’s how it balances out. 🧱