I’m gonna be so pissed if I die in the middle of an argument I’m about to win.
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This place has ruined me, I watched my mate trip and comically fall to the ground and my first reactions were: giggle and yell “parkour”.
[texting my wife from the barber]
WIFE: where are you?
ME: just getting my hair cut
WIFE: ok. send me a picture of it when you’re done
ME:
rest in peace, 2023.
2023-2023
Man, the way these journalists are complaining it’s like they only went to Sochi to use doorknobs and go poop.
Army guy: sniper in the clock tower, 6 o’clock
Me [seeing the time on the clock tower says 5 o’clock]: we’ll worry about him in an hour then
Fell down the stairs and my 5yo complained, that it was so loud. I told him, i would fall more quietly next time and he looked at me like i was very stupid and said”Just don’t fall at all!” I was glad that he provided this solution!
[right after sex]
Me: so that was uhh-
The Flash: I KNOW OKAY?!
[hanging Vanilla Ice from a balcony by his ankles]
Vanilla Ice: “dont drop me! ill give you anything! ill sign my royalties over to-”
me: “royalties? i just want more raps about ninja turtles”
The difference between looking at a kaleidoscopic as a kid vs as an adult.
The migraine that follows.
waitress: are there any allergies at this table?
me, already drunk: POLLEN
Next week my wife and I are going to Chicago to celebrate our anniversary. If you are around, want to meet and catch up, please let me know so I can avoid you.
My wife and I will be sleeping.
A web shooter like Spiderman would have so many uses, like I could grab the chips without leaving the couch.
The Art Institute has many world-famous masterpieces but more importantly it has this little freak
yeah i can totally shred on the guitar do you want romaine lettuce or cheese
My dog thinks I’m the most amazing person on the planet but I don’t let it go to my head since I’m pretty sure the cat has me figured out
it’s not abuse if the substance likes it.
I accidentally walked into an open mic comedy night in a cafe where immediately upon walking in the comic said “look at this guy he’s gonna leave soon”
Why do I always zone out when the server reads back my order? They could be saying “lobster dinners for everyone in the restaurant” and I’d say yeah.
My fiancée loves to say she’s color blind, yet anytime starbursts are being eaten in the car I get passed the orange and yellow
Me, surprised: Why are you in a hurry to get to school?
7yo, matter-of-fact: My enemies are waiting
Apparently you’re not supposed to tell “That’s what she said jokes” during the Board meeting because it’s “inappropriate”
[First day as a plumber]
Boss: What’s wrong?
Me: *tearing up* This is nothing like Mario.
I don’t consider it a good night out if it doesn’t end up as a super villain’s origin story
Come on guys, lemme back in the gang! I’m real good at crimes!
“No”
Why?
“YOU GOT ARRESTED BY A POLICE HORSE CARL HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE”
I cried at a wedding once. The reception was a cash bar.
Facebook game requests are like the Jehovah’s Witnesses of the internet. No matter how much you say no thank you, they just keep showing up.
Pretending not to see the judgemental looks of other shoppers in the meat department as I continue to make all the hams kiss.
THE INVENTOR OF CRYING: what if I told you that there was something you could do at both weddings and funerals
[universe where we use wormholes to deliver food]
*a potato flies thru the wormhole and hits my son Blent in the face*
Me: stay sharp Blent