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maybe ancient civilizations wouldn’t have died out if they’d built regular buildings instead of these dumb ruins
(holding a pickle like a cigarette) do you mind if i?
Friend: Just be generous and sophisticated
Me: Got it[Later]
Date: I’ll have a glass of wine
Me: No *winks at date and then looks at waiter* bring the whole box
Roger Clemens is pitching for a Texas team named the Sugar Land Skeeters? They sound more like an Atlanta Strip Club than a baseball team.
whenever a study shows excessive screen time causes brain damage i’m like yeah. me know.
do you have any idea how fast you were going?
“no, I’m not wearing my contacts”
Unfortunate story layout on Apple News this morning.
If I’m found dead in the bathtub clutching a toaster, check for Pop-Tarts before jumping to conclusions.
My friend got a tattoo of his wife’s name so I guess he loves her as much as he loves barbed wire.
My brother says that after you reach a certain age, you become more concerned about the hereafter.
As in:
I cam into this room. what did I come here after?
ME: Whats the name of that thing that holds beer and keeps it chilled?
WIFE: Cooler
ME: *lights cigarette and runs my fingers through my hair* What’s the name of that thing that holds beer and keeps it chilled, babe?
Call me a traditionalist, but I prefer my cranberry in its natural state, in the shape a of a can of dog food.
*leans over sink*
*splashes face w cold water*
*stares at self in mirror**returns to couch where my niece is playing mario kart*
best of 3
Feel like you’re falling apart? Coming undone? Can’t keep it together?
You should have eaten more paste as a child.
Somedays I feel like running away.
Then I remember how much I hate running.
Boom, boom, ching!
Newton’s amended 1st law of motion:
Objects dropped on the floor by teens will remain at rest for months unless acted upon by an angry Mom.
If you ever have doubts about whether people are stupid, ask a tattoo artist what they’ve had to refuse to do for a customer
You guys ever see a mannequin and think she’s completely out of your league?
[FIRST DAY AS A NUDE MODEL]
INSTRUCTOR: Sir, we need you to take off your socks.
ME: (chuckles) Oh, sorry.
INSTRUCTOR: (clears throat) All three of them.
“Our guests often come for a week but stay for months.”
– The cruise industry, putting a positive spin on Covid-19.
If you make it through life without being portrayed in a murder documentary, take the win.
[new guy gets shown around the office]
Me: Hi, I’m Dave
New guy: oh are you the Dave who loves cycling or the Dave who makes up random facts in the hope nobody will check them out?
Me: no, I’m the Dave whose grandfather invented suitcases
There’s a fly in the den so my cat is reenacting the Matrix
the day my uncle Dan played his final game of “I got your nose”
Women are like bacon, they smell great, taste delicious and kill you slowly.
Men are like bacon because we’re pigs.
You don’t want to see me when you’re angry.
The two types of wives
YOUTH 1: lol
YOUTH 2: wtf
YOUTH 1: lmao
YOUTH 2: ikr
ME [trying to fit in]: obgyn