My childhood prepared me for more people tearing off masks to reveal their true identity as an old man.
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I’m so glad that I took my son to basketball practice last night because I discovered how subpar my trash talking game really is.
Growing up was a huge mistake
Me: Why is my phone making this odd noise when I use it?
Verizon Service Rep: *listens* It’s playing Backstreet Boys
Me: Tell me WHY
Rep: Ain’t nothing but a mistake
My toddler woke up upset because he couldn’t find his glasses, but what really set him off was when I told him he doesn’t even wear glasses.
Took my 4yo to the optician to get new glasses and before we left, the optician asked if he had any questions and he thought about it then said “why can’t we just eat cake for breakfast” and I was pleased because I wanted to know the answer to that too
Me: what is my final challenge
*dragon appears*
Me: oh no
Dragon: spell necessary
Me: OH NO
I woke up deciding to incorporate the parkour lifestyle into my daily life then reconsidered as I fell over again putting my jeans on
I can always tell when it’s closer to Christmas. My wife replaces the hand soap with the stuff that smells like gingerbread and I spend a week looking for cookies that haven’t been made yet
Me: how do I get one of those singing groups?
Director: you mean a choir?
Me: *exasperated sigh* yes fine, how do I acquire one of those singing groups?
You can’t take away snow days and make them remote learning days. Snow days aren’t about learning. If god wanted the children to learn, he wouldn’t have made it snow.
I have an extensive library of over 2,000 classic, important books just in case you have a question about the first 54 pages of one of them.
My dream job is a pharmacy cashier & yelling for a price check every time someone checks out anal ointment, condoms, & men buying maxi pads.
I would be very interested to hear from someone who is ILLEGALLY blind.
Doctors would be pretty cool superheroes except for the fact their weakness is apples.
If you saw how my wife attacks flying bugs in the house, you’d sleep with a knife under your pillow too.
[getting completely dominated in a street fight]
ME: damn this toddler plays by her own rules
I found a cure for my debilitating cancer. I dumped her and started to see a capricorn instead.
my mom when anyone would walk on the carpet she just vacuumed
Sadly, my universal remote control does not control the universe, not even remotely.
I read a news article about a guy who bought a golden egg for $13k that turned out to be a Faberge egg worth $33 mil. Those kinds of lucky stories would never happen to me. There will never be a news story that says “Man finds lost Rembrandt painting inside bag of Doritos”.
I’m not gonna be able to come out tonight I already sat down
Mom was a minute late serving dinner. Again. I nearly starved.
~dog’s log, August 2nd, 2021
ME (a ghost): You know how Bill Nye used to say “don’t try this at home”? Well, I did, and he kicked in the door and shot me in the face.
My kid : mum lets buy something we can play together – skipping rope?
Me *buys snakes and ladders board game*
I marked today on my calendar as “new client consultations” which was code for me having a day off because who wants a divorce consultation the day before Thanksgiving?!
Five. It appears 5 people want a divorce consultation the day before Thanksgiving.
I’m teaching my boys to leave the toilet seat up so there’s no pee on it when I put it down. Everything is a lie and life is a bad dream.
Hey ghosts, I just updated my kitchen with open shelving good luck slamming the cupboards you nerds
With the amount of hairs falling out of my head daily, it’s amazing I haven’t been implicated in any local crime scenes.