Star Wars? Nope
Never had any interest in watching something that starred a woman whose hair made her look like one of my dad’s tractors.
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My daughter was pretty pissed that someone called the cops, ending her party.
Whatever, I needed some sleep.
One time in LA I heard a girl tell her friend she made out in an Uber on a date then asked her friend “What’s the farthest you’ve ever gone in an Uber?” and her friend replied “Burbank.” and I’m convinced even Mel Brooks couldn’t have written a better setup and punchline.
Teacher: What is the world’s laziest creature? You, at the back
Me, at the back: rude
I’m listening, but this 5-year-olds ‘polka-dotted dinosaur astronaut’ story better have a point
[loud knocking]
“OPEN UP. IT’S THE POLICE!”
Me: Prove it.
“HOW?”
Me: Sing “Roxanne.”
Your birth certificate is your very first participation trophy.
I can’t afford a vacation. So I’m just going to drink until I don’t know where I am.
Hey Ben Carson, at this point in your craziness? Just say you’re Iron Man. What could it hurt?
BOSS: You ok?
ME: Yeah, why?
BOSS: You have a sign that says “2 Days Without Being Annoyed”
[maintaining eye contact, I change it to 0]
[gets intuitive notification]
you know what, apple watch, I think I will finish that outdoor walk from 2011
In Twilight, if Jacob just got some therapy maybe he could be a Self-Awarewolf
Me: I just love dancing naked in summer rain!
Neighbour: that’s it, I’m turning the sprinkler off right now!
The 2.0 in Twitter 2.0 stands for how many employees are left at Twitter.
I’m not a professional actor, but I have successfully pretended to care how coworkers’ weekends were for decades.
I like to establish dominance by asking the cop, “know why I pulled you over?” first.
Long story short, I need bail money.
Why does everyone despise us lazy people so much? We didn’t do anything.
*Love in the time of coronavirus*
Hey baby, want to go back to my place and play find the paper cut with the hand sanitizer?
What did u do last night?
Me: I drowned my swallows in whiskey
Don’t u mean sorrows?
Me [covering tub of dead birds]: is that the saying?
Does your wife know you’re single?
Raspberry buy guitar
Raspberry take lessons
Raspberry answer ad
Raspberry show up at drummer’s house
Raspberry plug in
Raspberry Jam
Be grateful for those who keep your secrets.
That way you don’t have to kill them & go to prison.
FedEx said they needed an adult signature to me, the 26 yo wearing this nice sophisticated outfit 😔
6: Can I have a baby sister?
Me *panicking*: Uh, well, the problem is that you can’t choose so the baby might be a boy.
6: Then can I have a turtle?
I’ve always had a soft spot in my heart for female T-Rex because the tampon insertion must’ve been really difficult.
when i donate my body to science, they’ll be like ok do we have any other options?
Nothing’s more infuriating than opening the in-flight magazine to see the Sudokus already half-done, in the colors of your rival Sudoku gang
Finally got the “Josh Duggar is good” neck tattoo I’ve wanted for years, now let me just read today’s news as I take a large sip of water…
god: okay the day that is happening now is called today
angel: *writing* ok
god: and the day that just ended is called terday
angel: terday?
god: yes terday
angel: *writing* ok
Omg, will you pick ONE name and stick with it ffs
– my dog
Detective: the suspect is described as having “really lame skateboard tricks”
Suspect #1:
Suspect #2:
Me [holding back tears]: I bet the suspect is also maybe described as a beginner who is trying his best