remains to be seen, not heard
– undertakers
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COME ON KRUSE #fencing
Why do I have so many emails?
I don’t mean mail, I mean addresses.
I only wear a scarf on really cold days. I should probably wear some other clothes too.
this atm and my therapist need to get together and pick a lane
Who called it a defense mechanism and not emoating
Hubby: If you could sleep with one of my frien…
Me: Frank
H: nd’s bedroom style decor
M: …
H: …
M: …
H: So you like shabby chic?
What is a Sherpa?
“Let me summit up for you.”
*uses Mr. Clean magic eraser to wipe off your drawn on eyebrows*
83 yo man, “You speak pretty good English for a Chinese girl”. Me: “I’m caucasian”. Him, “Well, any kind of Asian looks Chinese to me”.
My husband still waves to policemen like a 5 year old.
The bouncer used to check the lining of my hat for weapons when I walked into a bar and now they have entire axe throwing ranges that serve alcohol
Me: (slightly intoxicated ) I don’t think our cat understands me at all.
16: Mom, put the guinea pig back in his cage please. You’re scaring him.
Disappointed it’s raining this weekend
Was totally going to do that job I’ve been putting off for 6 months
best buy employee: can i help you find anything
me: uh i’m good
best buy employee: ok well if you have any questions i’m colin
me: how’d you get in my house colin
Say what you will about the state of the world, but now feels like a really good time to start marketing my C̶u̶l̶t̶ C̶o̶m̶m̶u̶n̶e̶ Adult Summer Camp
At my funeral I want the priest to read out a long bit about how much I loved darts. I don’t love darts but my family and friends will be like “wow we never really knew him”.
That looks expensive and breakable, I should play with it.
– Every kid ever.
Remember Chucky? This is what he looks like now.
[job interview]
BOSS: We’re looking for a real people person
ME: Well I’m definitely a human
I wanna get HAMMERED tonight.
Seriously?
Yeah, drunk as hell, bro.
Riiight. Of course, of course. *quietly slides hammer back into sleeve*
*Held up the grocery line because the card reader couldn’t read my Apple Watch*
Elderly Man behind me: (Exhales) Let’s move this along, future boy
It’s awkward when I have to pull someone aside and point out that my fly is open.
6-year-old: Why do I have to share a room?
Me: It could be worse. Harry Potter slept in a cupboard under the stairs.
6: Yeah. By himself.
What Harry Potter house am I in?! I am a SERIOUS and MATURE adult.
So Ravenclaw.
Stubbed my toe leaving the hospital. Called my doctor complaining of a painful discharge.
don’t worry, i’m not like other girls
*head slowly rotates 360*
Good cop “If you confess maybe we can cut you some sort of deal…”
Crab cop *walks sideways off the table*
*Hits Rock Bottom*
Dwayne Johnson: I have a boyfriend.
GF: “you’re so childish”
me: “it’s my day too linda”
[we sit in silence]
wedding planner: “so is that a yes or a no on the bouncy castle?”
This day in history. 1963. The Beach Boys released “Be True to Your School” but I wasn’t taking orders from 5 guys who shared 1 surfboard.